If you’ve ever struggled to make sense of your own grief—or to support someone else through theirs, read on. You’re not alone, and there is hope in understanding it, and rebuilding a bright future.
Thanks for this invitation, Kate. Talking about grief is almost taboo in my family. It's as if it is unseemly to mention it.
There is much to be said for the Jewish practice of sitting with grief for 7 days after the death of a close loved. The community takes over looking after the minutiae of life, food, cleaning, hospitality for mourners. This is a facing up to and acknowledging death which the community I grew up in doesn't allow.
When my Dad passed, I found a lot of solace in Kristoffer Hughes book When The Last Leaf falls. My Dad enjoyed singing all his life, and, if there was live music in any of his usual haunts, he would usually end up with the microphone. Robbie Williams' Angels was his favourite number. I can't hear it without a tear or several.
Thanks for all this useful information. I can relate to a lot of this. Aside from the grief without death, anticipatory death also resonates with my mom’s Alzheimer’s. I think I do a pretty good job working through grief (not that there’s a good or bad way of doing it). However, what I’m working on is not feeling bad in the moments where it hits me. And I don’t mean feeling bad that it hits me but feeling bad that I’m expressing the emotion. Sometimes I think of my mom and something she used to do, it could be anywhere — many times at the dinner table. I start crying and then I apologize for it. My boyfriend has said, “This is your house, if you’re upset, be upset! Where else can you do that?” Or something along those lines. I think it was very sweet of him to help me realize that and to give me that space. I’ve also been through divorce. That’s a mind fuck, for sure. I always say, it’s like the death of an idea. Like you had this vision of what was ahead of you and then it suddenly blows up. I still think it was the best thing that ever happened to me and has shaped so much of who I am today. One of the biggest lessons it taught me is that it’s ok to take the unconventional path. Don’t jump into things just because everyone else is doing it. I feel much more free in my choices now (maybe that’s part of getting older too). Anyway, now this is turning into an essay! Thanks for mentioning my post! ❤️
I agree with your boyfriend! I am sure anticipatory grief is there for you with your mothers illness. And that she has changed, and is no longer the mother you had. 🧡
When we are married or in a long relationship our psyche adapts so much to the other that it is a bereavement when it ends, even if it is the right thing.
Thank you Kate for your article. The end of October is 5 years since we said good bye to our beautiful daughter Isabella who was 19years old. Both Bella and her brother were born with a life threatening rare disease and grief has been part of our journey since diagnosis.
Elizabeth’s book was my bible after Isabella passed away and I have recently brought it for my mum after my sister passed away.
People don’t understand that grieving someone you love is not something you can get over quickly, it becomes part of life’s journey. It raises its ugly head on anniversaries and at the oddest moments.
I think our lost loved ones, like Bella, form such an irreplaceable part of us in our psyche that we can’t just ‘get over it’.’ As you say, it becomes part of life’s journey. The grief may subside over time but it is always there a little, for me anyway. Grief often decides to pop up when you’re least expecting it! We just have to let the wave wash through. I always take good care of myself over the anniversaries which I still find challenging.
Thank you Kate...as I negotiate, with a therapist, griefs both decades old and buried and other more present grief, and what I call 'universal' or 'world' grief, I'm becoming more and more aware of grief's layers and strata, and appreciate reading your thoughts.
Hi Janey, it is such a complex experience and I’m so glad you’re finding a way to unravel it all now. I recommend the book I’ve linked to ‘Bitter sweet’ by Susan Cain, which address the complexity of the strength that comes from our difficulties like grief. 🧡
Fellow therapist here and happy to find your work for resources to share with clients. I have written a lot about divorce grief and healing, becoming an empty nester and about narcissistic abuse. Just building my Substack library but hope to have much moved over soon. Thanks for your vulnerable sharing and your resources that will help many. 💜
Hi Holly, thanks for being here, I’ve just become an empty nester and I think I’m doing well with it, maybe because of my past experiences. Good luck with your Substack, there are lots of therapists on here, the more the merrier in my opinion! 🧡
Oh Kate, your experience is utterly heartbreaking…and people’s reactions… well that’s a whole book in itself. Thank you for this deeply moving and important piece. There is so much to reflect upon ❤️
Yes other people have actually been my main stumbling block I think, or at least, my own process of giving too much weight to others opinions (I feel a post about boundaries coming on!). Thank you for your kind words, I know it’s a topic you understand inside and out. 🧡
This is a great initiative Kate! And thank you so much for the mention 💛 I write a lot about grief and healing. I share stories about caring for and losing my Dad, Sanjay, so that others feel seen and less alone in their experience. Grief is isolating and isn’t talked about nearly enough, but thank goodness for people like you and so many others listed here who are opening up these important conversations!
I think the isolation is one of the hardest things about grief, so our writing I hope gives voice to ourselves, and others who may not feel so able to express difficult feelings at this point. Your letter to your father is so touching. 🧡
Thank so much Lauren, it has taken me twenty years to be able to write this! And thank you for sharing this link, I’ve bookmarked it to read tonight. Writing is such a great way to process grief. 🧡
I have written about my own grief on my Substack and still do the occasional post of my experiences. Particularly following the loss of my husband from terminal cancer 6 years ago after 39 years of marriage, and my daughter aged 41 from a massive stroke during lockdown. The one thing I have learnt is that we are all different in our grief and we grieve differently for different people. It is a natural process that has no easy to read manual to help us navigate the journey. Losing those closest to us results in grief for so many aspects of our lives.
I would never tell anyone else how to grieve or how to survive it, I may suggest something that helped me, but never tell anyone. I would like to think I would listen to others facing grief xxx
Hi Jo, you’re right there is no right or wrong way to grieve, we have to find our own way through. I wanted to share something here to make people feel less alone and normalise some of the challenging feelings. I am so sorry to hear of your losses, and I’m glad you are able to share your story which will help others with their grief too. 🧡
Since experiencing the loss of my mother (Nancy), father (Lou) and younger brother (Lance) within 21 months from June 2020 - March 2022 I have spent countless hours reading about, listening to and talking about grief. I was processing so much so quickly in so many different ways. Once I identified as a griever and not as a crazy person, I began navigating grief with resilience. This single piece captures so many aspects of what I have learned, including how to name my grief in order to understand, talk, and write about it. Vocabulary alone and being able to find words that capture what is in my mind, body and soul has been incredibly empowering. Each time I understood what was happening through others stories and experiences, I felt less alone. I now feel like I belong to a special community of grievers and that I belong there. So grateful for this read.
I am so sorry for your loss, of Nancy, Lou and Lance. That is such a lot of grief to bear. Im so glad you found this, and all the other supportive things you’ve read. We need to build as much support as possible, and the vocabulary can really help us feel less alone. 🧡
I'm sorry for the heartache losing Holly has brought you. Thank you for sharing her story here. We need to get comfortable talking about the discomfort of grief.
Lovely to find you on Substack. As I mentioned in my comment today, I lost my sister aged 17 and my father to a brain injury 39yrs ago when he crashed the car after what we think was a stroke. I’m writing a memoir about the legacy of this loss over a lifetime. So I’d love to hear more about childhood loss and how that affects the psyche, behaviours etc? I never received therapy for this, nor did my twin brother who was in the car although I am now at last! We’ve both had v different responses due to our different personalities and experiences. I found solace in faith and friends.
There must be many people of our age who have had to work through trauma and loss without professional help. So it’d be interesting to hear about that.
Thank you so much. Childhood loss can be so hard and your own experience so tragic. I’m sure there are others like you. There may be bereavement support groups near you or online if you still feel you need to work on it. And therapy can help you process and move through. 🧡
Thanks Kate. I think you’ve misunderstood me a little. My question wasnt asking about support for myself, it was in response to your question you’d asked in the post. You listed a wide range of ways we can be affected by loss or grief (I particularly likes the Secondary Losses one btw). You asked if anything was missing that we’d like to hear or learn about, and I wondered about the effect of childhood loss on us as adults. I’m curious to learn about how therapists understand it to affect us as adults. That’s all!
I think it is so individual and complex to address in any overarching way. Some will come through unscathed, especially if other caregivers stepped forward well at the time, whereas others may have issues with attachment or trust as a result, fear of abandonment, or a need for control, anxiety, low mood, or with dependancy like alcohol. The impact will be so individual so it’s hard to say any definitive cause and effects. But that’s what therapists would look out for. No one size will fit all. I hope that is a more of a useful answer 🙏🏻
Thank you Kate. And yes, of course, it will affect children and adults differently depending on support and also personality. I’m a twin and we both reacted very differently.
It may be the reluctance to embrace this "At some point, we must acknowledge that all our loved ones will die. You and I too. Everyone" which is the beginning of acceptance of death as a fact of life, whenever it occurs. We also need to acknowledge what we believe and feel we have lost whether the love(s) of our life, a friend, or family member, neighbor or colleague. The relationship as it was no longer exists. Life goes on minus the presence of the one who died. How we deal with dying and death may reveal how we deal with life while we still have it. It is what you cannot talk about that will come up and bite you by surprise. There are words, there are feelings and expressing those openly and honestly is a good start.
I’ve worked with those families who had no plan and took the position we’ll deal with it when it comes and worked with those families who had a plan. That work, limited to a select few, is under the heading of “Creative Planning” for those interested in putting a plan together ahead of that time.
Thanks, Kate. We have hindsight, insight and best of all, foresight. We know dying and death are in the future, and looking ahead, might we like to have a plan for when the inevitable occurs? It might be a difficult conversation and one I believe is worth having ahead of time. See my recent post, https://garygruber.substack.com/p/growing-older-gracefully-and-gratefully
Wow! I had never taken the time to identify the many guises of grief, and it makes me realize there are infinitely more. I guess as many as there are unique situations. Thank you for putting this together in such a thoughtful, digestible way. And thank you for the shout-out to Losing the Mothership, my corner of the grief convo. It reminds me of how much more there is to explore in my own grief and in understanding (mostly of how much I don't/can't understand) about the grief of others. I look forward to reading the rest of the series!
Can you relate to any of this? What resonates?
Do you have a story or link to share, to help connect with others?
Would you like to share your loved one’s name or a memory? Is there anything you'd like to add?
Thanks for this invitation, Kate. Talking about grief is almost taboo in my family. It's as if it is unseemly to mention it.
There is much to be said for the Jewish practice of sitting with grief for 7 days after the death of a close loved. The community takes over looking after the minutiae of life, food, cleaning, hospitality for mourners. This is a facing up to and acknowledging death which the community I grew up in doesn't allow.
When my Dad passed, I found a lot of solace in Kristoffer Hughes book When The Last Leaf falls. My Dad enjoyed singing all his life, and, if there was live music in any of his usual haunts, he would usually end up with the microphone. Robbie Williams' Angels was his favourite number. I can't hear it without a tear or several.
Thanks for all this useful information. I can relate to a lot of this. Aside from the grief without death, anticipatory death also resonates with my mom’s Alzheimer’s. I think I do a pretty good job working through grief (not that there’s a good or bad way of doing it). However, what I’m working on is not feeling bad in the moments where it hits me. And I don’t mean feeling bad that it hits me but feeling bad that I’m expressing the emotion. Sometimes I think of my mom and something she used to do, it could be anywhere — many times at the dinner table. I start crying and then I apologize for it. My boyfriend has said, “This is your house, if you’re upset, be upset! Where else can you do that?” Or something along those lines. I think it was very sweet of him to help me realize that and to give me that space. I’ve also been through divorce. That’s a mind fuck, for sure. I always say, it’s like the death of an idea. Like you had this vision of what was ahead of you and then it suddenly blows up. I still think it was the best thing that ever happened to me and has shaped so much of who I am today. One of the biggest lessons it taught me is that it’s ok to take the unconventional path. Don’t jump into things just because everyone else is doing it. I feel much more free in my choices now (maybe that’s part of getting older too). Anyway, now this is turning into an essay! Thanks for mentioning my post! ❤️
I agree with your boyfriend! I am sure anticipatory grief is there for you with your mothers illness. And that she has changed, and is no longer the mother you had. 🧡
When we are married or in a long relationship our psyche adapts so much to the other that it is a bereavement when it ends, even if it is the right thing.
Thank you so much for sharing. 🧡
Thank you! 🫶
You’re welcome!
Thank you Kate for your article. The end of October is 5 years since we said good bye to our beautiful daughter Isabella who was 19years old. Both Bella and her brother were born with a life threatening rare disease and grief has been part of our journey since diagnosis.
Elizabeth’s book was my bible after Isabella passed away and I have recently brought it for my mum after my sister passed away.
People don’t understand that grieving someone you love is not something you can get over quickly, it becomes part of life’s journey. It raises its ugly head on anniversaries and at the oddest moments.
I think our lost loved ones, like Bella, form such an irreplaceable part of us in our psyche that we can’t just ‘get over it’.’ As you say, it becomes part of life’s journey. The grief may subside over time but it is always there a little, for me anyway. Grief often decides to pop up when you’re least expecting it! We just have to let the wave wash through. I always take good care of myself over the anniversaries which I still find challenging.
Thank you Kate...as I negotiate, with a therapist, griefs both decades old and buried and other more present grief, and what I call 'universal' or 'world' grief, I'm becoming more and more aware of grief's layers and strata, and appreciate reading your thoughts.
Love to you 🫂
Hi Janey, it is such a complex experience and I’m so glad you’re finding a way to unravel it all now. I recommend the book I’ve linked to ‘Bitter sweet’ by Susan Cain, which address the complexity of the strength that comes from our difficulties like grief. 🧡
Fellow therapist here and happy to find your work for resources to share with clients. I have written a lot about divorce grief and healing, becoming an empty nester and about narcissistic abuse. Just building my Substack library but hope to have much moved over soon. Thanks for your vulnerable sharing and your resources that will help many. 💜
Hi Holly, thanks for being here, I’ve just become an empty nester and I think I’m doing well with it, maybe because of my past experiences. Good luck with your Substack, there are lots of therapists on here, the more the merrier in my opinion! 🧡
Oh Kate, your experience is utterly heartbreaking…and people’s reactions… well that’s a whole book in itself. Thank you for this deeply moving and important piece. There is so much to reflect upon ❤️
Yes other people have actually been my main stumbling block I think, or at least, my own process of giving too much weight to others opinions (I feel a post about boundaries coming on!). Thank you for your kind words, I know it’s a topic you understand inside and out. 🧡
This is a great initiative Kate! And thank you so much for the mention 💛 I write a lot about grief and healing. I share stories about caring for and losing my Dad, Sanjay, so that others feel seen and less alone in their experience. Grief is isolating and isn’t talked about nearly enough, but thank goodness for people like you and so many others listed here who are opening up these important conversations!
I think the isolation is one of the hardest things about grief, so our writing I hope gives voice to ourselves, and others who may not feel so able to express difficult feelings at this point. Your letter to your father is so touching. 🧡
Thank you Kate 🥰
Thanks for being here! 🧡
The way you're able to write so openly and beautifully is really touching Kate. Thank you for sharing 💗
On the topic of grief, I was reading this essay earlier this morning, exploring links between writing and grief, especially as a writer with somewhat of a public life: https://www.nplusonemag.com/issue-48/essays/death-of-the-party/
Thank so much Lauren, it has taken me twenty years to be able to write this! And thank you for sharing this link, I’ve bookmarked it to read tonight. Writing is such a great way to process grief. 🧡
Well worth the wait - and also a good reminder of how to use writing in different ways to process - and then share - at different times.
Hope you enjoy the article tonight ✨
Thank you Kate, an important article.
I have written about my own grief on my Substack and still do the occasional post of my experiences. Particularly following the loss of my husband from terminal cancer 6 years ago after 39 years of marriage, and my daughter aged 41 from a massive stroke during lockdown. The one thing I have learnt is that we are all different in our grief and we grieve differently for different people. It is a natural process that has no easy to read manual to help us navigate the journey. Losing those closest to us results in grief for so many aspects of our lives.
I would never tell anyone else how to grieve or how to survive it, I may suggest something that helped me, but never tell anyone. I would like to think I would listen to others facing grief xxx
Hi Jo, you’re right there is no right or wrong way to grieve, we have to find our own way through. I wanted to share something here to make people feel less alone and normalise some of the challenging feelings. I am so sorry to hear of your losses, and I’m glad you are able to share your story which will help others with their grief too. 🧡
Since experiencing the loss of my mother (Nancy), father (Lou) and younger brother (Lance) within 21 months from June 2020 - March 2022 I have spent countless hours reading about, listening to and talking about grief. I was processing so much so quickly in so many different ways. Once I identified as a griever and not as a crazy person, I began navigating grief with resilience. This single piece captures so many aspects of what I have learned, including how to name my grief in order to understand, talk, and write about it. Vocabulary alone and being able to find words that capture what is in my mind, body and soul has been incredibly empowering. Each time I understood what was happening through others stories and experiences, I felt less alone. I now feel like I belong to a special community of grievers and that I belong there. So grateful for this read.
I am so sorry for your loss, of Nancy, Lou and Lance. That is such a lot of grief to bear. Im so glad you found this, and all the other supportive things you’ve read. We need to build as much support as possible, and the vocabulary can really help us feel less alone. 🧡
I'm sorry for the heartache losing Holly has brought you. Thank you for sharing her story here. We need to get comfortable talking about the discomfort of grief.
Thank you so much Jennifer. I’m so glad to be able to support others with grief now. 🙏🏻
Lovely to find you on Substack. As I mentioned in my comment today, I lost my sister aged 17 and my father to a brain injury 39yrs ago when he crashed the car after what we think was a stroke. I’m writing a memoir about the legacy of this loss over a lifetime. So I’d love to hear more about childhood loss and how that affects the psyche, behaviours etc? I never received therapy for this, nor did my twin brother who was in the car although I am now at last! We’ve both had v different responses due to our different personalities and experiences. I found solace in faith and friends.
There must be many people of our age who have had to work through trauma and loss without professional help. So it’d be interesting to hear about that.
Thank you so much. Childhood loss can be so hard and your own experience so tragic. I’m sure there are others like you. There may be bereavement support groups near you or online if you still feel you need to work on it. And therapy can help you process and move through. 🧡
Thanks Kate. I think you’ve misunderstood me a little. My question wasnt asking about support for myself, it was in response to your question you’d asked in the post. You listed a wide range of ways we can be affected by loss or grief (I particularly likes the Secondary Losses one btw). You asked if anything was missing that we’d like to hear or learn about, and I wondered about the effect of childhood loss on us as adults. I’m curious to learn about how therapists understand it to affect us as adults. That’s all!
I see, thank you for clarifying.
I think it is so individual and complex to address in any overarching way. Some will come through unscathed, especially if other caregivers stepped forward well at the time, whereas others may have issues with attachment or trust as a result, fear of abandonment, or a need for control, anxiety, low mood, or with dependancy like alcohol. The impact will be so individual so it’s hard to say any definitive cause and effects. But that’s what therapists would look out for. No one size will fit all. I hope that is a more of a useful answer 🙏🏻
Thank you Kate. And yes, of course, it will affect children and adults differently depending on support and also personality. I’m a twin and we both reacted very differently.
A delayed catch up seeing this, thank you for the mention Kate, I look forward to reading in depth tomorrow!
Thanks so much, Kate, I hope you like it. It is a series of three, the third one is out shortly 💕
Can't wait to read the next :-)
Thanks kate, they are all out now, check my homepage 🧡
I just realised! About to read now ❤️
🧡
Such an informative but compassionate post Kate and thanks so much for including me. We definitely need to be talking about this more ♥️
Thanks so much Ruth, I’m glad to have included you here 🧡
It may be the reluctance to embrace this "At some point, we must acknowledge that all our loved ones will die. You and I too. Everyone" which is the beginning of acceptance of death as a fact of life, whenever it occurs. We also need to acknowledge what we believe and feel we have lost whether the love(s) of our life, a friend, or family member, neighbor or colleague. The relationship as it was no longer exists. Life goes on minus the presence of the one who died. How we deal with dying and death may reveal how we deal with life while we still have it. It is what you cannot talk about that will come up and bite you by surprise. There are words, there are feelings and expressing those openly and honestly is a good start.
Thanks for sharing this Gary, yes it’s so important to have a plan. I’m getting my will organised this year so I can forget about it and enjoy life ✨
I’ve worked with those families who had no plan and took the position we’ll deal with it when it comes and worked with those families who had a plan. That work, limited to a select few, is under the heading of “Creative Planning” for those interested in putting a plan together ahead of that time.
This is such a good insight Gary ✨
Thanks, Kate. We have hindsight, insight and best of all, foresight. We know dying and death are in the future, and looking ahead, might we like to have a plan for when the inevitable occurs? It might be a difficult conversation and one I believe is worth having ahead of time. See my recent post, https://garygruber.substack.com/p/growing-older-gracefully-and-gratefully
Thank you Gary ✨
Wow! I had never taken the time to identify the many guises of grief, and it makes me realize there are infinitely more. I guess as many as there are unique situations. Thank you for putting this together in such a thoughtful, digestible way. And thank you for the shout-out to Losing the Mothership, my corner of the grief convo. It reminds me of how much more there is to explore in my own grief and in understanding (mostly of how much I don't/can't understand) about the grief of others. I look forward to reading the rest of the series!
Thanks Edie, and for sharing your work. Yes I’m sure there must be endless experiences of grief. The next post is already out if you’re interested! 🧡