If you’ve ever struggled to make sense of your own grief—or to support someone else through theirs, read on. You’re not alone, and there is hope in understanding it, and rebuilding a bright future.
Thanks for this invitation, Kate. Talking about grief is almost taboo in my family. It's as if it is unseemly to mention it.
There is much to be said for the Jewish practice of sitting with grief for 7 days after the death of a close loved. The community takes over looking after the minutiae of life, food, cleaning, hospitality for mourners. This is a facing up to and acknowledging death which the community I grew up in doesn't allow.
When my Dad passed, I found a lot of solace in Kristoffer Hughes book When The Last Leaf falls. My Dad enjoyed singing all his life, and, if there was live music in any of his usual haunts, he would usually end up with the microphone. Robbie Williams' Angels was his favourite number. I can't hear it without a tear or several.
Thanks for all this useful information. I can relate to a lot of this. Aside from the grief without death, anticipatory death also resonates with my mom’s Alzheimer’s. I think I do a pretty good job working through grief (not that there’s a good or bad way of doing it). However, what I’m working on is not feeling bad in the moments where it hits me. And I don’t mean feeling bad that it hits me but feeling bad that I’m expressing the emotion. Sometimes I think of my mom and something she used to do, it could be anywhere — many times at the dinner table. I start crying and then I apologize for it. My boyfriend has said, “This is your house, if you’re upset, be upset! Where else can you do that?” Or something along those lines. I think it was very sweet of him to help me realize that and to give me that space. I’ve also been through divorce. That’s a mind fuck, for sure. I always say, it’s like the death of an idea. Like you had this vision of what was ahead of you and then it suddenly blows up. I still think it was the best thing that ever happened to me and has shaped so much of who I am today. One of the biggest lessons it taught me is that it’s ok to take the unconventional path. Don’t jump into things just because everyone else is doing it. I feel much more free in my choices now (maybe that’s part of getting older too). Anyway, now this is turning into an essay! Thanks for mentioning my post! ❤️
I agree with your boyfriend! I am sure anticipatory grief is there for you with your mothers illness. And that she has changed, and is no longer the mother you had. 🧡
When we are married or in a long relationship our psyche adapts so much to the other that it is a bereavement when it ends, even if it is the right thing.
Thank you Kate for your article. The end of October is 5 years since we said good bye to our beautiful daughter Isabella who was 19years old. Both Bella and her brother were born with a life threatening rare disease and grief has been part of our journey since diagnosis.
Elizabeth’s book was my bible after Isabella passed away and I have recently brought it for my mum after my sister passed away.
People don’t understand that grieving someone you love is not something you can get over quickly, it becomes part of life’s journey. It raises its ugly head on anniversaries and at the oddest moments.
I think our lost loved ones, like Bella, form such an irreplaceable part of us in our psyche that we can’t just ‘get over it’.’ As you say, it becomes part of life’s journey. The grief may subside over time but it is always there a little, for me anyway. Grief often decides to pop up when you’re least expecting it! We just have to let the wave wash through. I always take good care of myself over the anniversaries which I still find challenging.
Thank you Kate...as I negotiate, with a therapist, griefs both decades old and buried and other more present grief, and what I call 'universal' or 'world' grief, I'm becoming more and more aware of grief's layers and strata, and appreciate reading your thoughts.
Hi Janey, it is such a complex experience and I’m so glad you’re finding a way to unravel it all now. I recommend the book I’ve linked to ‘Bitter sweet’ by Susan Cain, which address the complexity of the strength that comes from our difficulties like grief. 🧡
Fellow therapist here and happy to find your work for resources to share with clients. I have written a lot about divorce grief and healing, becoming an empty nester and about narcissistic abuse. Just building my Substack library but hope to have much moved over soon. Thanks for your vulnerable sharing and your resources that will help many. 💜
Hi Holly, thanks for being here, I’ve just become an empty nester and I think I’m doing well with it, maybe because of my past experiences. Good luck with your Substack, there are lots of therapists on here, the more the merrier in my opinion! 🧡
Oh Kate, your experience is utterly heartbreaking…and people’s reactions… well that’s a whole book in itself. Thank you for this deeply moving and important piece. There is so much to reflect upon ❤️
Yes other people have actually been my main stumbling block I think, or at least, my own process of giving too much weight to others opinions (I feel a post about boundaries coming on!). Thank you for your kind words, I know it’s a topic you understand inside and out. 🧡
This is a great initiative Kate! And thank you so much for the mention 💛 I write a lot about grief and healing. I share stories about caring for and losing my Dad, Sanjay, so that others feel seen and less alone in their experience. Grief is isolating and isn’t talked about nearly enough, but thank goodness for people like you and so many others listed here who are opening up these important conversations!
I think the isolation is one of the hardest things about grief, so our writing I hope gives voice to ourselves, and others who may not feel so able to express difficult feelings at this point. Your letter to your father is so touching. 🧡
Thank so much Lauren, it has taken me twenty years to be able to write this! And thank you for sharing this link, I’ve bookmarked it to read tonight. Writing is such a great way to process grief. 🧡
It may be the reluctance to embrace this "At some point, we must acknowledge that all our loved ones will die. You and I too. Everyone" which is the beginning of acceptance of death as a fact of life, whenever it occurs. We also need to acknowledge what we believe and feel we have lost whether the love(s) of our life, a friend, or family member, neighbor or colleague. The relationship as it was no longer exists. Life goes on minus the presence of the one who died. How we deal with dying and death may reveal how we deal with life while we still have it. It is what you cannot talk about that will come up and bite you by surprise. There are words, there are feelings and expressing those openly and honestly is a good start.
I’ve worked with those families who had no plan and took the position we’ll deal with it when it comes and worked with those families who had a plan. That work, limited to a select few, is under the heading of “Creative Planning” for those interested in putting a plan together ahead of that time.
Thanks, Kate. We have hindsight, insight and best of all, foresight. We know dying and death are in the future, and looking ahead, might we like to have a plan for when the inevitable occurs? It might be a difficult conversation and one I believe is worth having ahead of time. See my recent post, https://garygruber.substack.com/p/growing-older-gracefully-and-gratefully
Thank you for this piece - I can see myself coming back to it, there’s so much to digest 🩵
It’s six years from my miscarriage this week and the process of recovery has been a long one. I’ve learnt to compartmentalise to survive and after the initial grieving effectively allowed myself one week a year to mourn, around the anniversary, through crying and ruminating and letting a whole thing wash over me as vividly as it happened yesterday. And then suddenly this year I felt, I don’t want to anymore. I want a different relationship with this grief. I wrote about that here https://open.substack.com/pub/annamaija487/p/of-geese-and-short-lives?r=33ghj7&utm_medium=ios
Thank you so much for reading, and for sharing your link Anna, I really enjoyed it. I am so sorry for your loss. it is also this time of year for me and my loss too. I love the way you have been able to move through it, humour is so important!
I’m so sorry to read this Isabelle, it must have all been so harrowing. I’m so glad you have your children. Make sure you ask for help. There’s a brighter future ahead for you all 🧡
Thank you for this wonderful piece Kate and for sharing parts of your experience, you’ve written so beautifully about this shared human emotion that we all have or will experience yet is so wildly misunderstood, ill-supported or unrecognised. My jaw dropped at your therapists response to your tragic loss! Writing like this is so important and I look forward to reading the next pieces. And thank you for mentioning my writing here x
Thanks, Kate! As always, you've written a heartfelt article weaving in the diversity of people's feelings and experiences.
I know we like to have labels and explanations and clarity, but personally, I've felt that it's all a big imperfect messy mess of paradoxical human-ness, of everything you've described. I find it hard to distinguish between love and grief. With regards to my Dad, grief isn't about loss, it's about persevering painful love - and not always the soft heart swell but the spikey traumatic love we all went through.
We each have unique experiences. Sometimes, I defer away from words and use music to 'just feel'. Thank you for your articles that enable to talk openly about difficult subjects. xo
Wow! I had never taken the time to identify the many guises of grief, and it makes me realize there are infinitely more. I guess as many as there are unique situations. Thank you for putting this together in such a thoughtful, digestible way. And thank you for the shout-out to Losing the Mothership, my corner of the grief convo. It reminds me of how much more there is to explore in my own grief and in understanding (mostly of how much I don't/can't understand) about the grief of others. I look forward to reading the rest of the series!
Can you relate to any of this? What resonates?
Do you have a story or link to share, to help connect with others?
Would you like to share your loved one’s name or a memory? Is there anything you'd like to add?
Thanks for this invitation, Kate. Talking about grief is almost taboo in my family. It's as if it is unseemly to mention it.
There is much to be said for the Jewish practice of sitting with grief for 7 days after the death of a close loved. The community takes over looking after the minutiae of life, food, cleaning, hospitality for mourners. This is a facing up to and acknowledging death which the community I grew up in doesn't allow.
When my Dad passed, I found a lot of solace in Kristoffer Hughes book When The Last Leaf falls. My Dad enjoyed singing all his life, and, if there was live music in any of his usual haunts, he would usually end up with the microphone. Robbie Williams' Angels was his favourite number. I can't hear it without a tear or several.
Thanks for all this useful information. I can relate to a lot of this. Aside from the grief without death, anticipatory death also resonates with my mom’s Alzheimer’s. I think I do a pretty good job working through grief (not that there’s a good or bad way of doing it). However, what I’m working on is not feeling bad in the moments where it hits me. And I don’t mean feeling bad that it hits me but feeling bad that I’m expressing the emotion. Sometimes I think of my mom and something she used to do, it could be anywhere — many times at the dinner table. I start crying and then I apologize for it. My boyfriend has said, “This is your house, if you’re upset, be upset! Where else can you do that?” Or something along those lines. I think it was very sweet of him to help me realize that and to give me that space. I’ve also been through divorce. That’s a mind fuck, for sure. I always say, it’s like the death of an idea. Like you had this vision of what was ahead of you and then it suddenly blows up. I still think it was the best thing that ever happened to me and has shaped so much of who I am today. One of the biggest lessons it taught me is that it’s ok to take the unconventional path. Don’t jump into things just because everyone else is doing it. I feel much more free in my choices now (maybe that’s part of getting older too). Anyway, now this is turning into an essay! Thanks for mentioning my post! ❤️
I agree with your boyfriend! I am sure anticipatory grief is there for you with your mothers illness. And that she has changed, and is no longer the mother you had. 🧡
When we are married or in a long relationship our psyche adapts so much to the other that it is a bereavement when it ends, even if it is the right thing.
Thank you so much for sharing. 🧡
Thank you! 🫶
You’re welcome!
Thank you Kate for your article. The end of October is 5 years since we said good bye to our beautiful daughter Isabella who was 19years old. Both Bella and her brother were born with a life threatening rare disease and grief has been part of our journey since diagnosis.
Elizabeth’s book was my bible after Isabella passed away and I have recently brought it for my mum after my sister passed away.
People don’t understand that grieving someone you love is not something you can get over quickly, it becomes part of life’s journey. It raises its ugly head on anniversaries and at the oddest moments.
I think our lost loved ones, like Bella, form such an irreplaceable part of us in our psyche that we can’t just ‘get over it’.’ As you say, it becomes part of life’s journey. The grief may subside over time but it is always there a little, for me anyway. Grief often decides to pop up when you’re least expecting it! We just have to let the wave wash through. I always take good care of myself over the anniversaries which I still find challenging.
Thank you Kate...as I negotiate, with a therapist, griefs both decades old and buried and other more present grief, and what I call 'universal' or 'world' grief, I'm becoming more and more aware of grief's layers and strata, and appreciate reading your thoughts.
Love to you 🫂
Hi Janey, it is such a complex experience and I’m so glad you’re finding a way to unravel it all now. I recommend the book I’ve linked to ‘Bitter sweet’ by Susan Cain, which address the complexity of the strength that comes from our difficulties like grief. 🧡
Fellow therapist here and happy to find your work for resources to share with clients. I have written a lot about divorce grief and healing, becoming an empty nester and about narcissistic abuse. Just building my Substack library but hope to have much moved over soon. Thanks for your vulnerable sharing and your resources that will help many. 💜
Hi Holly, thanks for being here, I’ve just become an empty nester and I think I’m doing well with it, maybe because of my past experiences. Good luck with your Substack, there are lots of therapists on here, the more the merrier in my opinion! 🧡
Oh Kate, your experience is utterly heartbreaking…and people’s reactions… well that’s a whole book in itself. Thank you for this deeply moving and important piece. There is so much to reflect upon ❤️
Yes other people have actually been my main stumbling block I think, or at least, my own process of giving too much weight to others opinions (I feel a post about boundaries coming on!). Thank you for your kind words, I know it’s a topic you understand inside and out. 🧡
This is a great initiative Kate! And thank you so much for the mention 💛 I write a lot about grief and healing. I share stories about caring for and losing my Dad, Sanjay, so that others feel seen and less alone in their experience. Grief is isolating and isn’t talked about nearly enough, but thank goodness for people like you and so many others listed here who are opening up these important conversations!
I think the isolation is one of the hardest things about grief, so our writing I hope gives voice to ourselves, and others who may not feel so able to express difficult feelings at this point. Your letter to your father is so touching. 🧡
Thank you Kate 🥰
Thanks for being here! 🧡
The way you're able to write so openly and beautifully is really touching Kate. Thank you for sharing 💗
On the topic of grief, I was reading this essay earlier this morning, exploring links between writing and grief, especially as a writer with somewhat of a public life: https://www.nplusonemag.com/issue-48/essays/death-of-the-party/
Thank so much Lauren, it has taken me twenty years to be able to write this! And thank you for sharing this link, I’ve bookmarked it to read tonight. Writing is such a great way to process grief. 🧡
Well worth the wait - and also a good reminder of how to use writing in different ways to process - and then share - at different times.
Hope you enjoy the article tonight ✨
It may be the reluctance to embrace this "At some point, we must acknowledge that all our loved ones will die. You and I too. Everyone" which is the beginning of acceptance of death as a fact of life, whenever it occurs. We also need to acknowledge what we believe and feel we have lost whether the love(s) of our life, a friend, or family member, neighbor or colleague. The relationship as it was no longer exists. Life goes on minus the presence of the one who died. How we deal with dying and death may reveal how we deal with life while we still have it. It is what you cannot talk about that will come up and bite you by surprise. There are words, there are feelings and expressing those openly and honestly is a good start.
Thanks for sharing this Gary, yes it’s so important to have a plan. I’m getting my will organised this year so I can forget about it and enjoy life ✨
I’ve worked with those families who had no plan and took the position we’ll deal with it when it comes and worked with those families who had a plan. That work, limited to a select few, is under the heading of “Creative Planning” for those interested in putting a plan together ahead of that time.
This is such a good insight Gary ✨
Thanks, Kate. We have hindsight, insight and best of all, foresight. We know dying and death are in the future, and looking ahead, might we like to have a plan for when the inevitable occurs? It might be a difficult conversation and one I believe is worth having ahead of time. See my recent post, https://garygruber.substack.com/p/growing-older-gracefully-and-gratefully
Thank you for this piece - I can see myself coming back to it, there’s so much to digest 🩵
It’s six years from my miscarriage this week and the process of recovery has been a long one. I’ve learnt to compartmentalise to survive and after the initial grieving effectively allowed myself one week a year to mourn, around the anniversary, through crying and ruminating and letting a whole thing wash over me as vividly as it happened yesterday. And then suddenly this year I felt, I don’t want to anymore. I want a different relationship with this grief. I wrote about that here https://open.substack.com/pub/annamaija487/p/of-geese-and-short-lives?r=33ghj7&utm_medium=ios
Thank you so much for reading, and for sharing your link Anna, I really enjoyed it. I am so sorry for your loss. it is also this time of year for me and my loss too. I love the way you have been able to move through it, humour is so important!
I really appreciate this piece Kate 💛
We have some similarities.
The last time I saw my husband was last year when he attacked me in front of our young boys.
He tried to strangle me-
We escaped and that night he cut me off financially before he went to jail.
We almost lost our house.
I paid a lawyer more than I can ever say out loud.
I haven’t spoken to him in ten months.
I was just waiting for him to get better.
And then he died by suicide two weeks ago.
The only thing keeping me afloat, as I feel these colossal waves of sad are my two boys, and medication.
I’m so sorry to read this Isabelle, it must have all been so harrowing. I’m so glad you have your children. Make sure you ask for help. There’s a brighter future ahead for you all 🧡
Thank you for this wonderful piece Kate and for sharing parts of your experience, you’ve written so beautifully about this shared human emotion that we all have or will experience yet is so wildly misunderstood, ill-supported or unrecognised. My jaw dropped at your therapists response to your tragic loss! Writing like this is so important and I look forward to reading the next pieces. And thank you for mentioning my writing here x
Thanks so much Katie! I am also planning a post about how to choose a therapist! 😄 thank you for sharing your writing too 🧡
Thank you for sharing this powerful piece and giving more language to grief, Kate. I’ll be sharing this piece with friends xo
Thank you so much Antonia ✨🧡
Thanks, Kate! As always, you've written a heartfelt article weaving in the diversity of people's feelings and experiences.
I know we like to have labels and explanations and clarity, but personally, I've felt that it's all a big imperfect messy mess of paradoxical human-ness, of everything you've described. I find it hard to distinguish between love and grief. With regards to my Dad, grief isn't about loss, it's about persevering painful love - and not always the soft heart swell but the spikey traumatic love we all went through.
We each have unique experiences. Sometimes, I defer away from words and use music to 'just feel'. Thank you for your articles that enable to talk openly about difficult subjects. xo
Thank you for your input Victoria. Music can be such solace, there are often no words for loss, it took me 20 years to be able to express mine! 🧡
Beautiful Kate - welcome back ❤️
Thanks so much Una!
Wow! I had never taken the time to identify the many guises of grief, and it makes me realize there are infinitely more. I guess as many as there are unique situations. Thank you for putting this together in such a thoughtful, digestible way. And thank you for the shout-out to Losing the Mothership, my corner of the grief convo. It reminds me of how much more there is to explore in my own grief and in understanding (mostly of how much I don't/can't understand) about the grief of others. I look forward to reading the rest of the series!
Thanks Edie, and for sharing your work. Yes I’m sure there must be endless experiences of grief. The next post is already out if you’re interested! 🧡