Grief: Making Sense of Crazy

Life After Loss: Does Grief Go Through Stages?

I’m Kate, a psychotherapist writing about mental health and self-discovery, for you to flourish in a life you love. When we cultivate compassion, resilience and understanding, we also create a more harmonious world. Upgrade here for transformative journaling prompts, empowering tools, workbooks and guided meditations (more coming soon).

If you missed my first post in this grief series, check your inbox or read it here:

Life After Loss: How, What and Who Do We Grieve For?

This is the second post on moving through loss and grief.

When our lives and brain have fallen to pieces following loss, we can feel so alone. Read on to understand your experiences of grief, to make sense of the unthinkable.

Hi friends,

I once bought a book about grief, which I didn’t open for four years. It sat taunting me from the shelf. ‘What do they know about this?’ I’d rage, anger burning in my chest whenever it caught my eye. Or, I’d shrink in shame: it was probably all my fault anyway. These books were for normal people, with normal grief and normal feelings, not for crazy me.

When grief crashed through my body and soul once again, when my third baby Holly died, I was stronger and braver. After counselling training I had built enough resilience to open the book at least; and if it was full of shit, I could handle it.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, wrote ‘On Grief and Grieving’ when she was dying herself. After dedicating her life to helping terminally ill people face their own death, she widened her work to help all those experiencing grief. It turned out her ideas did include me. Any maybe you too?

Her reflections do not prescribe how to grieve, or what we feel, when to finish or how much is too much, or what is or isn’t normal. She shines a light on the commonality of our experiences, to normalise our craziness, and make sense of our confusion.

Reading her made my shoulders soften, my heart relax, and able to accept my powerful emotions. I was less afraid.

‘The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.’ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

Finding my Grief In The Bread Maker: Decluttering to Let Go and Accept Yourself

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross - The Stages of Grief

Kubler-Ross defined (and amended) these stages of grief in her book On Grief and Grieving.

Although she describes the process as stages, she acknowledged that this is not intended to be prescriptive, nor linear, the ‘stages’ may be revisited over time, some will feel more intense than others, and some not at all.

I share this to normalise the wild emotions of grief. You are not alone, you’re not crazy, you’re normal. Read my last post about how, who and what do we grieve for here.

1. Denial

Denial often comes as a protective defence mechanism to buffer our immediate shock, so we can process our overwhelming emotions gradually. We may struggle to accept the reality of the situation in the early days, experiencing disbelief or numbness. We might think: "This can’t be happening."

2. Anger

As the reality of our loss sets in, we may feel lost in the red mist of anger. Rage directed at ourselves, or others, towards the deceased, or the situation, or your God. It is an expression of our frustration and helplessness. I felt anger after my bereavements, and I searched for someone to blame. My psyche was expanding to incorporate the loss, and yours will too, releasing pent up emotions in its wake like volcanoes of rage. You aren’t crazy. We may think: "Why did this happen? It’s not fair."

3. Bargaining

We may try to regain control, to make deals with a higher power to reverse or lessen the loss. We pray for strength. To bring them back. We might change our behaviour if we feel guilt or regret, to attempt to prevent the loss even though it already happened (that feels pretty crazy but you’re fine). We try to change things, and make amends. A common thought may be: "If only I had done something differently, maybe this wouldn’t have happened." “If only I hadn’t drunk that unusual soup on my honeymoon… I’ll never have soup again.” Or, “It happened because we moved house. I wanted a garden, It’s my fault for wanting too much. I will never aspire for something more again.”

4. Depression

When the full weight of our loss hits us, we may feel profound sadness and emotional withdrawal. Emptiness, hopelessness, and deep sorrow set in. We realise the reality of the loss more fully. This is where the support of loved ones may come in handy. We may think: "What’s the point? Life will never be the same."

5. Acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t mean being “okay” with the loss, more that we have come to terms with it. We find ways to move forward, integrate the loss into our life, and continue living despite it. There may still be sadness, but there is also a sense of peace and a readiness to adjust. We may have thoughts like: "I can’t change what happened, but I can find a way to live with it."

In the later years of her work, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, with David Kessler, added a sixth stage, which he explores in his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

6. Finding Meaning

We can come to terms with our loss by creating meaning out of our grief, like when I became a therapist.

We can honour the memory of what/who was lost to help integrate the experience. Like creating new routines, activities that honour their memory, creative projects, writing or charity work. All of these bring a sense of purpose, leading to personal growth and transformation through the grieving process. It may not diminish our pain, but we can shift pain into life with new depth and understanding.

7. Growth and Rebuilding

A seventh stage not defined by Kübler-Ross, but widely accepted, is the emotional healing that reaches post traumatic growth. Here we find a way to thrive in our lives. We may rebuild a sense of identity and purpose with newfound resilience with our meaning making pursuits.

We can move beyond acceptance and into transformation and renewal.

So it’s over to you. How do you feel about these stages? What resonates? What doesn’t? What was the most unexpected thing about grief for you?

Paid subscribers will find therapeutic journaling prompts for grief in the Members Toolbox page.

With love and gratitude,

Kate

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Further Reading

On Grief and Grieving - Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

Tasks of Mourning - William Worden (for Therapists)

Grief Works - Julia Samuel’s

Bittersweet - Susan Cain

Kokoro - Beth Kempton

Life After Loss: How, What and Who Do We Grieve For?

Finding my Grief In The Bread Maker: Decluttering to Let Go and Accept Yourself