When Mother's Day Hurts

Finding a way though.

Hi friends

Do you find Mother’s Day hard?

This post includes experiences from my inspiring readers, and ideas to get through the day if it’s a tough one for you. I also opened a paid post about life after losing two beautiful babies long ago - see below.

Mother's Day can be a day of conflicting emotions for many of us. While some celebrate with joy, others face a day that reopens wounds or highlights cavernous absences in their lives. I often talk about my two baby girls I had either side of my daughter. Rosie and Holly did not live to see the light of day, Holly just for one precious breath - though both remain nestled in my heart forever.

I wrote about those little souls’ profound impact on my life in this personal post:

I never imagined I’d be the therapist lady with the beautiful, kind daughter and no husband. The mum in the small home who makes silver jewellery with alchemy in the studio behind the unkempt garden. The one who talks to people on the edges and brings them home to themselves. I love this real me far more than the woman I hoped to be back then.

Finding my Grief In The Bread Maker: Decluttering to Let Go and Accept Yourself

These experiences led to a labyrinth of feelings and experiences that impact every part of my life and relationships even twenty years on, including how I experience Mother’s Day - another day to ‘get through’. I’m not able to hide in a cupboard as a part of me wishes. My daughter wants to show me kindness and love and I want her to have a normal experience at least of something in her life. My competing parts of self stretch and pull against each other all day long.

If you find yourself dreading the approach of Mother's Day, as I have for two decades, know that you are not alone.

There are a myriad of reasons why many of us find Mother’s Day hard - or feel like hiding behind a mask so that others may enjoy their day.

Here’s how to get through Mother’s Day with dignity, with real reader stories.

Feel free to share your experiences in the comments.

Those of you who are in motherly bliss today, perhaps a bunch of flowers or breakfast in bed, know how fortunate you are and spare a thought for us.

Harriet says: “I still find it hard. It’ll be 10 years this May that mum died and Mother’s Day often feels like the starting gun of a few months of feeling weird. Mother’s Day happens and I feel odd, then we lurch into the anniversary of me being diagnosed with breast cancer (I’m well now), then it’s family birthdays and mum’s anniversary is sandwiched in between my son’s birthdays in May. I also work in a shop, Oliver Bonas, that goes all out on Mother’s Day so I’m expected - and I’m happy to - talk to customers about gifting, be surrounded by cards and Mothers Day stuff. I often don’t realise how I’ve been holding my breath though until the day has passed.”

Harriet Mason

Mother's Day Can Cause Grief and Pain When

• You've experienced pregnancy or infant loss, like me

• You're struggling with infertility or unsuccessful fertility treatments

• You've placed a child for adoption

• You're estranged from your children

• You've lost your own mother

• You had a complicated or traumatic relationship with your mother

• You don’t like your child or being a mother

• You're a mother who has lost a child at any age

• You're a single father raising children without a mother figure

• You're experiencing your first Mother's Day after a significant loss

• You're separated from your children due to circumstances beyond your control

• You're a stepmother navigating complex family dynamics

• You've chosen not to become a mother but face societal pressure

Each of these experiences brings its own unique form of pain - maybe you have your own to add. This is where I asked my Substack community for their experiences.

Sue says: My mum died eight months ago, so this will be the first Mother's Day without her. However, we were at loggerheads for most of our lives, both of us misunderstanding each other, and I used to dread the pretence of Mother's Day, that ‘to the best mother in the world’ sentiment when I felt she was the worst. Is it possible to feel closer to a mother now she's dead? I will be thinking hard about this one as the date approaches.’

Sue Reed

Navigating Mother's Day When It Hurts

Honour your feelings

Whatever emotions arise: sadness, anger, emptiness, or a complex mixture, give yourself permission to feel them without judgment.

Alexis says: ‘Mother’s Day is tough for me because I’m currently in the process of losing my mom to Alzheimer’s. I still celebrate her, of course. But we cannot talk in the same way we used to and she doesn’t fully comprehend what’s going on. It’s hard sometimes to accept that so much of her is gone when her body is still here. So Mother’s Day is just not the same anymore.’

Alexis Mera Damen

Create boundaries

It's okay to decline invitations to celebrations or to limit social media use if these will intensify your pain. Mute insensitive what’s app groups filled with triggering imagery and celebration if it makes you feel pain. It is okay to protect yourself.

Janey says: ‘I just ignore it completely, though a tiny part of me wishes my son didn't too 🙄. Way too many memories of the childless-years, followed by the adopted-children years, with all the weird and manipulative behaviour. And the pain of seeing my ‘own’ baby boy follow suit.’ Janey Thompson

Establish your own ritual

Consider creating a personal way to honour your experience, whether lighting a candle for a lost child or mother, writing a letter, or visiting a meaningful place.

Esther says: ‘It’s a very mixed day for me. I lost my own mum when I was 33 (so I’m approaching 30 years without her) and my first son, Dom, died by suicide almost 4 years ago when he was 30. Now for the good bit…Dom’s brother and sister are my precious other children and are both coming home and taking me out for a walk followed by Sunday lunch. I am SO grateful that I have them in my life, and proud to be their mum ♥️… it is so important to celebrate our living children isn’t it…and they are such wonderful reason to feel gratitude. At the same time, the children who (we so strongly feel) should be here deserve honouring too.’ Esther

Losing My Son To Suicide

Reach out

Connect with others who understand your specific situation, whether through support groups or trusted friends who can hold space for your experience. I used to bottle it up and hide every year so that others might enjoy their day. I wish I had been more authentic and just told people I find it hard, to give them a chance to understand.

Practice self-care

Plan activities that bring you comfort, like a walk in nature, reading a favourite book, or enjoying a special meal. See my fun post about free self care here.

Victoria says: ‘My mother died almost 11 years ago and while I don’t dread the day, as soon as I see the cards appearing in the shops and I get the emails that say “don’t want to hear about Mother’s Day?”, I get a little pit in my stomach that lasts until it is over. My husband will quite often leave his planning for his own mother until the last minute so then I end up plugging that gap and I start to feel resentful. Not because my mother in law doesn’t deserve a lovely Mother’s Day (she does!) but because it reminds me of what I don’t have and how much I would love to celebrate my own mother on this day. I find it quite complicated emotionally to square this circle!

My advice is a cliche but would be to be kind to yourself if you are struggling. It’s “just” a day so focus on self care and let yourself feel what you feel. There are many ways to celebrate someone, even if they aren’t physically here.’

Victoria

Seek professional support

If your grief feels overwhelming, speaking with a therapist can provide valuable tools for processing complex emotions. Tell me how you are feeling in the comments. Many of my clients came to me for mother related issues that can be worked through.

Remember it's just one day

Though commercialisation makes it seem all-encompassing, Mother's Day is just 24 hours that will pass.

Lorna says: ‘My relationship with my mother was difficult and painful and when she died in 2017, the grief was complicated. In that respect, Mother’s Day has always had an element of difficulty for me. For those who find it hard, do what’s right for you. You don’t have to acknowledge or celebrate it if it hurts too much.’

Lorna Smart

Bronwen says: ‘I used to find it very tough when I was first a mum. No one to take over and give me a break as my partner died just before our daughter arrived. My parents were amazing at getting little things for my daughter to give me - and when she was at school they made things - though of course there was usually a cost to this.

A little before my partner died, my birth mother was also killed in a freak road accident. I was in touch with her for about 8 years and it wasn’t enough by far - there was so much more I’d have like to discuss with her and do with her - and she missed becoming a granny. So yes, it can be tough. I think we all have something that makes it so… I do think we should still celebrate our mothers even if they aren’t here anymore, even if childhood was difficult and there were complications. It takes a lot to become a mother - morning sickness, stretch marks, swollen ankles and nothing being quite where it should be after… I do feel for those who wanted to be, but never got to be.’ 💚

Bronwen Leigh

Grief and love are two sides of the same coin.

We grieve deeply because we have loved deeply. The pain you feel honours the depth of your connection to your child, your mother, or to the dream of motherhood.

Your experience matters. Your feelings matter. Your story matters. You matter!

Wrap love around yourself as you deserve it. Find moments of peace and let this be a gentle reminder that you are not alone.

What’s your experience of Mother’s Day?

With love and gratitude

Kate

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