Finding a way though, with stories from my inspiring readers. I also opened a paid post about my life after losing two beautiful babies to stillbirth - see below.Mother's Day can be a day of mixed emotions for many of us. While some celebrate with joy, others face a day that reopens wounds or highlights cavernous absences in their lives.
Thanks so much Kate, I'm reading this the day after Mother's Day. The day itself I spent mostly in the garden digging and deadheading, in the sun thinking yep, this year I'm ok until the evening crept up on me. Emotions tend to emerge later in the day these days, and I found the weight building in my stomach and rising through my chest as I watched TV so I took myself off to bed. The tears came once I was lying on my bedroom floor doing some stretches. I let them come, read a while, slept ok and today is a new day. Thanks to everyone for sharing in this post and to you for creating this space for us to share. Hx
It’s always a tricky one- I am so grateful to my gorgeous two but have a difficult relationship with my own mother so really focusing on the positives. I know it’s such a hard day for so many people and opting out of the marketing emails just won’t cut it x
That's tough Antonia. I find it challenging at both ends. It's hard to find a Mother's Day card that doesn't say 'best mum' or 'thank you wonderful' etc which are unsendable when the relationship
Is challenging. I hope you had a peaceful day anyway. 🙏🏻✨
This is a lovely article. It’s so important to acknowledge that we all experience these days differently. Thank you for including my words too. I just spoke to my mum who is alone today - I feel so bad that she is, but we saw her just over a week ago and will see her again in less than two weeks so I will treat her then. As for me, I plan to enjoy time with my daughter who is off work today and it’s such a gorgeous day here. I will send love to my birth mother’s spirit because she was such a lovely soul and I will try not to dwell on the second child I would have had if my partner hadn’t died along with all the difficulties that created and some of which I’m still fighting. Did you know that as an unmarried widowed mother you can’t add the father’s name on the child’s birth certificate posthumously. At least not without a lot of expense and stressful court hearings. They need to be present - though if you were married you can of course put the father down without him present. So that’s another sadness that my partner isn’t named on our daughter’s birth certificate. On the whole though I will enjoy the sunshine and spending precious time with my daughter - love to all the mummas that are, wished to be, or decided to adopt. The daughters who miss their mums and the fellas who have to be mums as well as dads 💕
Such a lovely comment, I’m sorry you have the extra pain that you can’t put his name in the birth certificate, that seems archaic.
I wonder if others with your experience agree and that someone could take action to change this.
When my first baby died when I was six months pregnant there was no birth certificate at all. I felt such pressure to brush it under the carpet (impossible!) but was glad to see that they brought in changes to acknowledge these little souls last year, though too late for me. Maybe they could do that sort of change for you too. 🙏🏻
That is incredibly tough too. It’s always good to see changes even if a bit late for us.
There is a campaign run by WAY Widowed and Young called Blank Space. My story was one shared by MP Caroline Voaden in the House of Commons. But it’s hard to change the system - it’s not at all adaptable- and could take years. As it stands, just because a couple didn’t get married it can cost £1000 - £3000 to add the name. I never did it because even this ability is more recent. I simply didn’t have the capacity to fight while grieving and coping with a newborn back in 2005. But I’m lending my voice to the campaign now hoping that future unmarried widows can have a better and more equal system.
THANK YOU for writing this. It's so important that everyone is able to let themselves be ok with however they feel about this day, even when it doesn't fit the societal expectation of what it "should" be. I really dread and hate these commercialised days (fathers day was awful for me). It would be great if we lived in a world where everyone was compassionate & non judgemental. Sadly we don't, so it's important we learn how to give those things to ourselves. Something I've worked on a lot. The pressure can feel a lot to "conform" to expectations on days like this or to feel like grief/complex emotions need to be hidden. There's a lot of external pressure from media etc.. If this day is difficult, I say double down on self care, allow ourselves to feel whatever is there and dig into our own reserve of love within us, because all of us are just doing the best we can, with what we know. Even my mum, whom did not give me the emotional security & affection I needed as a child. She did what she had the capacity to do and I accept that now, yet mothers day feels like a societal obligation, so I go through the motions of sending a card or having a lunch AND I look after myself with boundaries and self care in the process. 🌸❤️
It sounds like you’ve found a great way to take care of yourself despite everything. It takes a lot of strength and courage. Thanks for sharing you experience Fay - let’s spread that compassion! 💛
This is great, Kate! Thanks for including my story and it was lovely reading everyone else’s thoughts on the topic. Certainly makes navigating it feel less lonely! Xxx
That's so tough, even harder when it's so recent for you. Thank you for sharing your story Rachelle. Our little ones reshape our lives, even in absence. 🙏🏻✨
What's your experience of Mother's Day? Is it a tough one for you like some of my readers?
Thanks so much Kate, I'm reading this the day after Mother's Day. The day itself I spent mostly in the garden digging and deadheading, in the sun thinking yep, this year I'm ok until the evening crept up on me. Emotions tend to emerge later in the day these days, and I found the weight building in my stomach and rising through my chest as I watched TV so I took myself off to bed. The tears came once I was lying on my bedroom floor doing some stretches. I let them come, read a while, slept ok and today is a new day. Thanks to everyone for sharing in this post and to you for creating this space for us to share. Hx
Thanks for sharing your experience Harriet, sounds like you were able to go with the flow 🙏🏻🙏🏻
It’s always a tricky one- I am so grateful to my gorgeous two but have a difficult relationship with my own mother so really focusing on the positives. I know it’s such a hard day for so many people and opting out of the marketing emails just won’t cut it x
That's tough Antonia. I find it challenging at both ends. It's hard to find a Mother's Day card that doesn't say 'best mum' or 'thank you wonderful' etc which are unsendable when the relationship
Is challenging. I hope you had a peaceful day anyway. 🙏🏻✨
Thanks so much Clare. I know! I bought one that said “Happy Mother’s Day” … the card equivalent of “best regards”😘
Haha yes, that’s the one I go for!
This is a lovely article. It’s so important to acknowledge that we all experience these days differently. Thank you for including my words too. I just spoke to my mum who is alone today - I feel so bad that she is, but we saw her just over a week ago and will see her again in less than two weeks so I will treat her then. As for me, I plan to enjoy time with my daughter who is off work today and it’s such a gorgeous day here. I will send love to my birth mother’s spirit because she was such a lovely soul and I will try not to dwell on the second child I would have had if my partner hadn’t died along with all the difficulties that created and some of which I’m still fighting. Did you know that as an unmarried widowed mother you can’t add the father’s name on the child’s birth certificate posthumously. At least not without a lot of expense and stressful court hearings. They need to be present - though if you were married you can of course put the father down without him present. So that’s another sadness that my partner isn’t named on our daughter’s birth certificate. On the whole though I will enjoy the sunshine and spending precious time with my daughter - love to all the mummas that are, wished to be, or decided to adopt. The daughters who miss their mums and the fellas who have to be mums as well as dads 💕
Such a lovely comment, I’m sorry you have the extra pain that you can’t put his name in the birth certificate, that seems archaic.
I wonder if others with your experience agree and that someone could take action to change this.
When my first baby died when I was six months pregnant there was no birth certificate at all. I felt such pressure to brush it under the carpet (impossible!) but was glad to see that they brought in changes to acknowledge these little souls last year, though too late for me. Maybe they could do that sort of change for you too. 🙏🏻
That is incredibly tough too. It’s always good to see changes even if a bit late for us.
There is a campaign run by WAY Widowed and Young called Blank Space. My story was one shared by MP Caroline Voaden in the House of Commons. But it’s hard to change the system - it’s not at all adaptable- and could take years. As it stands, just because a couple didn’t get married it can cost £1000 - £3000 to add the name. I never did it because even this ability is more recent. I simply didn’t have the capacity to fight while grieving and coping with a newborn back in 2005. But I’m lending my voice to the campaign now hoping that future unmarried widows can have a better and more equal system.
It's all so insensitive isn't it. 😞
THANK YOU for writing this. It's so important that everyone is able to let themselves be ok with however they feel about this day, even when it doesn't fit the societal expectation of what it "should" be. I really dread and hate these commercialised days (fathers day was awful for me). It would be great if we lived in a world where everyone was compassionate & non judgemental. Sadly we don't, so it's important we learn how to give those things to ourselves. Something I've worked on a lot. The pressure can feel a lot to "conform" to expectations on days like this or to feel like grief/complex emotions need to be hidden. There's a lot of external pressure from media etc.. If this day is difficult, I say double down on self care, allow ourselves to feel whatever is there and dig into our own reserve of love within us, because all of us are just doing the best we can, with what we know. Even my mum, whom did not give me the emotional security & affection I needed as a child. She did what she had the capacity to do and I accept that now, yet mothers day feels like a societal obligation, so I go through the motions of sending a card or having a lunch AND I look after myself with boundaries and self care in the process. 🌸❤️
It sounds like you’ve found a great way to take care of yourself despite everything. It takes a lot of strength and courage. Thanks for sharing you experience Fay - let’s spread that compassion! 💛
This is great, Kate! Thanks for including my story and it was lovely reading everyone else’s thoughts on the topic. Certainly makes navigating it feel less lonely! Xxx
We aren't alone! Thanks Alexis, I hope you have a peaceful day. 🙏🏻
That's so tough, even harder when it's so recent for you. Thank you for sharing your story Rachelle. Our little ones reshape our lives, even in absence. 🙏🏻✨