The world urgently needs your authentic self, your voice, your opinions, so please don’t push it away. Let’s float together on this rock for a moment just like this, amid our own beautiful, messy lives. Instead of asking, "How can I improve?" consider asking, "What do I need right now?"
This whole piece is a truly brilliant reminder of dropping the grasping at being ‘better’ from a place of lack and less-than.
Personally, I want to have a more beautiful experience of myself, of what it’s like to be me, this is what I keep returning to.
Constantly trying to be better was early in my spiritual journey, when there was some unconscious sense of original sin type energy, where I could never be enough. It made me quite sick actually.
I think it's so sad when people don't realise how great they already are. I'm glad you are returning to yourself, it's so easy to get lost. Thank you for sharing Sarina! Happy you're here, thank you for reading! 🙏🏻🌷
I'm currently recovering from this, I am very grateful to be having some time away from work to be able to step away and get perspective. I'm taking tentative steps on the road of loving and accepting myself just as I am ❤️
Hi Laura, this is so good to read, that you want to love and accept yourself just as you are! I wrote about radical self acceptance recently here, for my paid members but some of the post is free. You are very welcome if you want to strengthen your self-love and acceptance which underpins everything I write in my membership. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. 🙏🏻🌱https://lettersfromtherapy.substack.com/p/radical-self-acceptance-641
This resonates deeply. As a coach and facilitator I'm pretty good at noticing and accepting on behalf of others, and even myself, when in their company. Practicing that same level of awareness and acceptance is often much harder when I'm on my own, just doing my life. Committing to showing up twice a week for the group sure helps me catch myself more quickly though.
I’m so glad this resonates. Yes it's harder to see yourself when alone. I give my community tools to help with this, I expect like you! Thanks Linda! ✨
I hear you on this Linda! I've been working as a coach and facilitator for the past few years and was really good at holding space for others, both physically and mentally. But I didn't always afford myself that grace. Finding accountability with a group is a fantastic idea. I also had some CBT sessions, which have been incredibly helpful too. x
You’re right Kate, there is so much pressure to be more than we are, when what we are is already unique and glorious. I’m writing this in my notebook-strewn bed because what I need today is rest, to help me recover from a bug before making a journey tomorrow. Thank you for asking the right questions.
Hi Lizzie, your bed sounds like mine! I've had a cold for a few days and the only thing to do it’s to let go and let it pass. I hope you get well and the journey isn’t too hard. Thanks for reading and commenting! I love the word glorious. We are! 🧡
Thanks Kate, I’m heading to Cornwall to spend time with a lovely friend, all the more reason to grant myself a day off today! You get well too. It’s good to coddle ourselves sometimes.
Well done Kate! This is a message that needs to be shouted from the rooftops. I love the whole thing but, as you say, if we could simply remember to ask ourselves what we need right now I think that would allow for a very big shift. I also appreciate how you laid out what happens when you work with a patient and how much healing is in the listening.
Self-awareness is being able to recognise our flaws, but it's also about acknowledging our strengths. In introspecting, we sometimes forget the second part but also allow others to dictate too much of what our flaws are and how much we need to fix these traits. Many of those purported flaws are strengths that they don't possess and twist to seem negative. Also, is the fact that many of us have taken on an overly responsible role for our experience. There is a lot that is out of our control, and no amount of inner work will change that. Our environments aren't perfect, the world is not a perfect place, and there is only so much we can 'fix' or 'accept'. Maybe it's partly due to being neurodivergent (plus trauma) that makes me think, 'Stop! Enough already'.
My urge to self-improve is one quest only: how to align more fully every day with my inner being. The bullet points you offer all point in that direction.
Love this, especially, "self improvement is not growth." It's also not necessary to constantly strive. As a recovering perfectionist, this is always good to hear, thank you!
Nothing more to add other than - I love this post Kate. I've really enjoyed reading your words and the comments too. Infact I have been nodding my head in recognition and agreement with so many other people here, my neck hurts!
When I started to see my therapist, I had no idea what to expect. He's a psychiatrist, so can prescribe medication. I wondered whether he would have some answers, but he had only more gentle questions. And gradually I felt better, because those questions led me back to me (with some medication). Now, when I see all these posts that you mention, the more, better, faster, Daft punk stuff, sometimes I feel triggered because I don't have enough followers, enough likes, enough comments, enough anything. Then I go back to me and write, or draw; make something, and it is healing. All of us have enough issues to deal with without going full on Daft Punk! Thank you for this, Kate. Cesca xx
Ah this is so great Cesca, and i’m so glad he directed you back to yourself, and that you do this for yourself too! My Friday Bloom Sessions are full of gentle questions to do precisely this. There is so much noise pulling us out and interrupting, but we have it all right there inside us. 🙏🏻🌱🌷
I wish I had more energy to engage but I wanted to say that this is one of the best essays I have read in a long time. Fully agree. I’ve been falling off the “fix me” wagon and getting back on for a couple of years now. It’s an addiction actually, one with a near religious undertone. I’m staying off for longer and longer periods of time now and the longer I am off, the happier I become, and the more I enjoy my life. 💗
I loved reading this gentle reminder to step off the hamster wheel of perpetually seeking self-improvement. So many nuggets of great wisdom that it’s hard to give a simple response. Definitely a necessary read!
"What do I need right now?" To stop trying to change myself and my surroundings without first recognizing and accepting what really are myself and this moment of life versus what I assume, think, or fear is happening.
Holly this is what i do for my members, our minds can be our own worst enemy! Do subscribe and upgrade of you would like support to let go of your assumptions and fears! ✨
It’s so hard not to fall into the trap of wishing we were better. Thinner, curvier, taller, more intelligent, with fuller lips and earning a better wage etc etc. We are constantly bombarded with marketing messages telling us (inadvertently or otherwise) that we are not good enough and must improve - by using their product of course. It takes a strong sense of self and non judgement to overcome this barrage. I feel like as I age, I am managing in baby steps to become more accepting of myself (and others to a point, though I’ve never seen myself as judgey and always accepted others more easily than I accept myself). I try not to be drawn into the marketing- who can afford to buy all these products after all. And I think that’s their worst fear - that we accept ourselves and so don’t need all these (often terrible) products to improve ourselves. Oh this is a great subject and I’m fascinated by what motivates people to buy into the marketing and also to ignore it completely.
I’ve had to learn to accept the things I cannot control before and it’s a lesson that keeps on nipping at my heals as I forget and find a new concern to try and fix.
This is a very long way of saying I am totally with you on this subject Kate - thanks for putting this out there! 💚
Yes! We do have to have a strong sense of self, which for me too is easier as I get older. We just have to stay vigilant not to be swayed away from our perfectly good selves. Thanks for sharing! 🙏🏻☺️
How do you feel about self improvement, what’s your experience? 🤔
This whole piece is a truly brilliant reminder of dropping the grasping at being ‘better’ from a place of lack and less-than.
Personally, I want to have a more beautiful experience of myself, of what it’s like to be me, this is what I keep returning to.
Constantly trying to be better was early in my spiritual journey, when there was some unconscious sense of original sin type energy, where I could never be enough. It made me quite sick actually.
I think it's so sad when people don't realise how great they already are. I'm glad you are returning to yourself, it's so easy to get lost. Thank you for sharing Sarina! Happy you're here, thank you for reading! 🙏🏻🌷
I'm currently recovering from this, I am very grateful to be having some time away from work to be able to step away and get perspective. I'm taking tentative steps on the road of loving and accepting myself just as I am ❤️
Hi Laura, this is so good to read, that you want to love and accept yourself just as you are! I wrote about radical self acceptance recently here, for my paid members but some of the post is free. You are very welcome if you want to strengthen your self-love and acceptance which underpins everything I write in my membership. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. 🙏🏻🌱https://lettersfromtherapy.substack.com/p/radical-self-acceptance-641
This resonates deeply. As a coach and facilitator I'm pretty good at noticing and accepting on behalf of others, and even myself, when in their company. Practicing that same level of awareness and acceptance is often much harder when I'm on my own, just doing my life. Committing to showing up twice a week for the group sure helps me catch myself more quickly though.
I’m so glad this resonates. Yes it's harder to see yourself when alone. I give my community tools to help with this, I expect like you! Thanks Linda! ✨
I hear you on this Linda! I've been working as a coach and facilitator for the past few years and was really good at holding space for others, both physically and mentally. But I didn't always afford myself that grace. Finding accountability with a group is a fantastic idea. I also had some CBT sessions, which have been incredibly helpful too. x
You’re right Kate, there is so much pressure to be more than we are, when what we are is already unique and glorious. I’m writing this in my notebook-strewn bed because what I need today is rest, to help me recover from a bug before making a journey tomorrow. Thank you for asking the right questions.
Hi Lizzie, your bed sounds like mine! I've had a cold for a few days and the only thing to do it’s to let go and let it pass. I hope you get well and the journey isn’t too hard. Thanks for reading and commenting! I love the word glorious. We are! 🧡
Thanks Kate, I’m heading to Cornwall to spend time with a lovely friend, all the more reason to grant myself a day off today! You get well too. It’s good to coddle ourselves sometimes.
We need it! Enjoy Cornwall, one of my favourite places in the world! 🧜♀️
Well done Kate! This is a message that needs to be shouted from the rooftops. I love the whole thing but, as you say, if we could simply remember to ask ourselves what we need right now I think that would allow for a very big shift. I also appreciate how you laid out what happens when you work with a patient and how much healing is in the listening.
Thanks Donna! I'm glad you agree! Yes therapy is often not quite as people imagine, if you get a good one anyway! Xx
Self-awareness is being able to recognise our flaws, but it's also about acknowledging our strengths. In introspecting, we sometimes forget the second part but also allow others to dictate too much of what our flaws are and how much we need to fix these traits. Many of those purported flaws are strengths that they don't possess and twist to seem negative. Also, is the fact that many of us have taken on an overly responsible role for our experience. There is a lot that is out of our control, and no amount of inner work will change that. Our environments aren't perfect, the world is not a perfect place, and there is only so much we can 'fix' or 'accept'. Maybe it's partly due to being neurodivergent (plus trauma) that makes me think, 'Stop! Enough already'.
It's good to work out what is in our control and what isn't, so we can direct our every where it is useful. Thank you for your comment!
My urge to self-improve is one quest only: how to align more fully every day with my inner being. The bullet points you offer all point in that direction.
Thanks tis, yes exactly! All my writing is trying to get people there too, including me!
Love this, especially, "self improvement is not growth." It's also not necessary to constantly strive. As a recovering perfectionist, this is always good to hear, thank you!
I wrote about perfectionism today! Yes sometimes we just have to accept our messy selves as we are ✨
Nothing more to add other than - I love this post Kate. I've really enjoyed reading your words and the comments too. Infact I have been nodding my head in recognition and agreement with so many other people here, my neck hurts!
🤣 I love it when we are all in agreement! Thanks Georgie, sorry about your neck though! 😁
When I started to see my therapist, I had no idea what to expect. He's a psychiatrist, so can prescribe medication. I wondered whether he would have some answers, but he had only more gentle questions. And gradually I felt better, because those questions led me back to me (with some medication). Now, when I see all these posts that you mention, the more, better, faster, Daft punk stuff, sometimes I feel triggered because I don't have enough followers, enough likes, enough comments, enough anything. Then I go back to me and write, or draw; make something, and it is healing. All of us have enough issues to deal with without going full on Daft Punk! Thank you for this, Kate. Cesca xx
Ah this is so great Cesca, and i’m so glad he directed you back to yourself, and that you do this for yourself too! My Friday Bloom Sessions are full of gentle questions to do precisely this. There is so much noise pulling us out and interrupting, but we have it all right there inside us. 🙏🏻🌱🌷
These are the two things at the end that I click with the most:
1. Let’s stay present, so we are attuned to our thoughts and feelings without judgment.
2. Instead of asking, "How can I improve?" consider asking, "What do I need right now?"
So simple! And so easy to forget. These two things feel like such small, insignificant things but I do struggle to do them for myself and for my kids.
Thanks Jacquie, small and simple is often the way. Stick these up somewhere do you don't forget! ✨
I wish I had more energy to engage but I wanted to say that this is one of the best essays I have read in a long time. Fully agree. I’ve been falling off the “fix me” wagon and getting back on for a couple of years now. It’s an addiction actually, one with a near religious undertone. I’m staying off for longer and longer periods of time now and the longer I am off, the happier I become, and the more I enjoy my life. 💗
Thank you so much Lila, we have to know when to stop! Thank you for sharing.☺️✨
Thank you so much for this reminder to embrace that I am just the way I am, and it is okay 🪄🥰
I loved reading this gentle reminder to step off the hamster wheel of perpetually seeking self-improvement. So many nuggets of great wisdom that it’s hard to give a simple response. Definitely a necessary read!
Thank you so much for reading, yes that's what I'm trying to convey! We need to stop and accept ourselves more!
I think we’d all benefit greatly if we’d adopt this.
That’s what my publication and membership is all about! You are welcome to take a look if you’re interested! ☺️ https://lettersfromtherapy.substack.com/
"What do I need right now?" To stop trying to change myself and my surroundings without first recognizing and accepting what really are myself and this moment of life versus what I assume, think, or fear is happening.
Holly this is what i do for my members, our minds can be our own worst enemy! Do subscribe and upgrade of you would like support to let go of your assumptions and fears! ✨
It’s so hard not to fall into the trap of wishing we were better. Thinner, curvier, taller, more intelligent, with fuller lips and earning a better wage etc etc. We are constantly bombarded with marketing messages telling us (inadvertently or otherwise) that we are not good enough and must improve - by using their product of course. It takes a strong sense of self and non judgement to overcome this barrage. I feel like as I age, I am managing in baby steps to become more accepting of myself (and others to a point, though I’ve never seen myself as judgey and always accepted others more easily than I accept myself). I try not to be drawn into the marketing- who can afford to buy all these products after all. And I think that’s their worst fear - that we accept ourselves and so don’t need all these (often terrible) products to improve ourselves. Oh this is a great subject and I’m fascinated by what motivates people to buy into the marketing and also to ignore it completely.
I’ve had to learn to accept the things I cannot control before and it’s a lesson that keeps on nipping at my heals as I forget and find a new concern to try and fix.
This is a very long way of saying I am totally with you on this subject Kate - thanks for putting this out there! 💚
Yes! We do have to have a strong sense of self, which for me too is easier as I get older. We just have to stay vigilant not to be swayed away from our perfectly good selves. Thanks for sharing! 🙏🏻☺️