The world urgently needs your authentic self, your voice, your opinions, so please don’t push it away. Let’s float together on this rock for a moment just like this, amid our own beautiful, messy lives. Instead of asking, "How can I improve?" consider asking, "What do I need right now?"
This resonates deeply. As a coach and facilitator I'm pretty good at noticing and accepting on behalf of others, and even myself, when in their company. Practicing that same level of awareness and acceptance is often much harder when I'm on my own, just doing my life. Committing to showing up twice a week for the group sure helps me catch myself more quickly though.
I hear you on this Linda! I've been working as a coach and facilitator for the past few years and was really good at holding space for others, both physically and mentally. But I didn't always afford myself that grace. Finding accountability with a group is a fantastic idea. I also had some CBT sessions, which have been incredibly helpful too. x
I’m so glad this resonates. Yes it's harder to see yourself when alone. I give my community tools to help with this, I expect like you! Thanks Linda! ✨
This whole piece is a truly brilliant reminder of dropping the grasping at being ‘better’ from a place of lack and less-than.
Personally, I want to have a more beautiful experience of myself, of what it’s like to be me, this is what I keep returning to.
Constantly trying to be better was early in my spiritual journey, when there was some unconscious sense of original sin type energy, where I could never be enough. It made me quite sick actually.
I think it's so sad when people don't realise how great they already are. I'm glad you are returning to yourself, it's so easy to get lost. Thank you for sharing Sarina! Happy you're here, thank you for reading! 🙏🏻🌷
I'm currently recovering from this, I am very grateful to be having some time away from work to be able to step away and get perspective. I'm taking tentative steps on the road of loving and accepting myself just as I am ❤️
Hi Laura, this is so good to read, that you want to love and accept yourself just as you are! I wrote about radical self acceptance recently here, for my paid members but some of the post is free. You are very welcome if you want to strengthen your self-love and acceptance which underpins everything I write in my membership. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. 🙏🏻🌱https://lettersfromtherapy.substack.com/p/radical-self-acceptance-641
You’re right Kate, there is so much pressure to be more than we are, when what we are is already unique and glorious. I’m writing this in my notebook-strewn bed because what I need today is rest, to help me recover from a bug before making a journey tomorrow. Thank you for asking the right questions.
Hi Lizzie, your bed sounds like mine! I've had a cold for a few days and the only thing to do it’s to let go and let it pass. I hope you get well and the journey isn’t too hard. Thanks for reading and commenting! I love the word glorious. We are! 🧡
Thanks Kate, I’m heading to Cornwall to spend time with a lovely friend, all the more reason to grant myself a day off today! You get well too. It’s good to coddle ourselves sometimes.
When I started to see my therapist, I had no idea what to expect. He's a psychiatrist, so can prescribe medication. I wondered whether he would have some answers, but he had only more gentle questions. And gradually I felt better, because those questions led me back to me (with some medication). Now, when I see all these posts that you mention, the more, better, faster, Daft punk stuff, sometimes I feel triggered because I don't have enough followers, enough likes, enough comments, enough anything. Then I go back to me and write, or draw; make something, and it is healing. All of us have enough issues to deal with without going full on Daft Punk! Thank you for this, Kate. Cesca xx
Ah this is so great Cesca, and i’m so glad he directed you back to yourself, and that you do this for yourself too! My Friday Bloom Sessions are full of gentle questions to do precisely this. There is so much noise pulling us out and interrupting, but we have it all right there inside us. 🙏🏻🌱🌷
Nothing more to add other than - I love this post Kate. I've really enjoyed reading your words and the comments too. Infact I have been nodding my head in recognition and agreement with so many other people here, my neck hurts!
It’s so hard not to fall into the trap of wishing we were better. Thinner, curvier, taller, more intelligent, with fuller lips and earning a better wage etc etc. We are constantly bombarded with marketing messages telling us (inadvertently or otherwise) that we are not good enough and must improve - by using their product of course. It takes a strong sense of self and non judgement to overcome this barrage. I feel like as I age, I am managing in baby steps to become more accepting of myself (and others to a point, though I’ve never seen myself as judgey and always accepted others more easily than I accept myself). I try not to be drawn into the marketing- who can afford to buy all these products after all. And I think that’s their worst fear - that we accept ourselves and so don’t need all these (often terrible) products to improve ourselves. Oh this is a great subject and I’m fascinated by what motivates people to buy into the marketing and also to ignore it completely.
I’ve had to learn to accept the things I cannot control before and it’s a lesson that keeps on nipping at my heals as I forget and find a new concern to try and fix.
This is a very long way of saying I am totally with you on this subject Kate - thanks for putting this out there! 💚
Yes! We do have to have a strong sense of self, which for me too is easier as I get older. We just have to stay vigilant not to be swayed away from our perfectly good selves. Thanks for sharing! 🙏🏻☺️
Wow, timely reminder of things I'd almost forgotten from therapy. The validation bit hits me hardest. I've had the chance to take time out from work since autumn. I've done various things for myself and spent time with family and friends and really reflected. But the nagging voice keeps saying - is the upcoming new job different enough, should I be striving for more, have I used my education and talent enough, shouldn't I be earning more, or be higher level by now. And the people who seemed utterly confused I wasn't rushing to work again and made all kinds of judgements. And yet it's just one part of my life, a life which is actually rich with memories and full of future plans if I only remember to relax 😌 I'm right where I need to be. Thank you for a wonderful piece of writing
I had a lightbulb moment a few years ago in a therapy session about my constant need to ‘try’. It was both illuminating and excruciating. It triggered a release and a deep breath followed and I sagged. I don’t need to keep trying so hard. The answer to whatever question I was asking wasn’t outside of me, out there or somewhere, the result of trying more and more but from trying less and stilling myself. Such a helpful post, thank you.
Ah Harriet! I think it is the excruciation part that keeps us pushing on/away - we want to avoid it so hide it away. 🫣
I'm so glad you learned to stop trying so hard and that you found all you needed right there inside! This is what I write about all the time, we do need reminding! Thanks for reading. It's great to have you here ✨🙏🏻
Hmm, you’ve kind of stopped me in my tracks. As someone whose brain is forever seeking something new I think I am very susceptible to the endless suggestions (persuasion) that I should try this, that or the other to feel and be a better version of myself. I understand and appreciate the value of self acceptance but boy it doesn’t come easy! x
It is normal to want to grow as humans, to seek novelty. But coming from being aligned and accepting, rather than from scarcity or feeling not enough, not there yet, etc. I think we create so many problems for ourselves by creating a feeling of not being enough.
Self acceptance does take work, (mindfulness is self acceptance), but growth from that place is far more meaningful. Eg, I want to improve my writing and love learning how and practicing, but I want it and love it and it’s true for me, and it brings me joy, not because of any pressure to improve.
Thanks, Kate. As for thoughts, my mind can't see them as "just thoughts", it sees them as "threats" (like a kid/scaredy cat). I'll try writing down the challenges for each of my negative thoughts. As for perfectionism, i'll try doing things imperfectly and let you know the result.
I can relate to all of what you said. Because the truth is that as much as i want to improve myself and grow, i'm still in the chains of my past self. How can i get rid of self-criticism, comparing myself with others and burn all of what remains of my perfectionism? I haven't been able to find a solution for these problems after months of pondering.
The first step is awareness. If you stop yourself as soon as you realise you are caught in a thought pattern, and think of an alternative way of viewing youself. Remember, they are only thoughts. Write any challenges to your negative thoughts down to remind yourself. And for perfectionism, experiment with doing things imperfectly, and allowing the uncomfortable feeling of it, so you get more used to it and imperfection gradually becomes normal for you. 🙏🏻✨
I use the Internal Family System (IFS) parts model to help me understand my inner landscape and I just wanted to share some wisdom that came through to me, I hope it may be helpful to others.
Forgive me for trying to change you, it was because I did not understand you.
The more I learn, the more I realise that my desire to change comes from a lack of understanding. A lack of understanding why a behaviour or pattern exists and what it's purpose is. When I can understand why, which I can only do from a place of complete acceptance and not a desire to change it, the desire to change it falls away and compassion and acceptance takes it place. Then often the pattern or behaviour transforms all on its own, but there's no expectation of this.
How do you feel about self improvement, what’s your experience? 🤔
This resonates deeply. As a coach and facilitator I'm pretty good at noticing and accepting on behalf of others, and even myself, when in their company. Practicing that same level of awareness and acceptance is often much harder when I'm on my own, just doing my life. Committing to showing up twice a week for the group sure helps me catch myself more quickly though.
I hear you on this Linda! I've been working as a coach and facilitator for the past few years and was really good at holding space for others, both physically and mentally. But I didn't always afford myself that grace. Finding accountability with a group is a fantastic idea. I also had some CBT sessions, which have been incredibly helpful too. x
I’m so glad this resonates. Yes it's harder to see yourself when alone. I give my community tools to help with this, I expect like you! Thanks Linda! ✨
This whole piece is a truly brilliant reminder of dropping the grasping at being ‘better’ from a place of lack and less-than.
Personally, I want to have a more beautiful experience of myself, of what it’s like to be me, this is what I keep returning to.
Constantly trying to be better was early in my spiritual journey, when there was some unconscious sense of original sin type energy, where I could never be enough. It made me quite sick actually.
I think it's so sad when people don't realise how great they already are. I'm glad you are returning to yourself, it's so easy to get lost. Thank you for sharing Sarina! Happy you're here, thank you for reading! 🙏🏻🌷
I'm currently recovering from this, I am very grateful to be having some time away from work to be able to step away and get perspective. I'm taking tentative steps on the road of loving and accepting myself just as I am ❤️
Hi Laura, this is so good to read, that you want to love and accept yourself just as you are! I wrote about radical self acceptance recently here, for my paid members but some of the post is free. You are very welcome if you want to strengthen your self-love and acceptance which underpins everything I write in my membership. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. 🙏🏻🌱https://lettersfromtherapy.substack.com/p/radical-self-acceptance-641
You’re right Kate, there is so much pressure to be more than we are, when what we are is already unique and glorious. I’m writing this in my notebook-strewn bed because what I need today is rest, to help me recover from a bug before making a journey tomorrow. Thank you for asking the right questions.
Hi Lizzie, your bed sounds like mine! I've had a cold for a few days and the only thing to do it’s to let go and let it pass. I hope you get well and the journey isn’t too hard. Thanks for reading and commenting! I love the word glorious. We are! 🧡
Thanks Kate, I’m heading to Cornwall to spend time with a lovely friend, all the more reason to grant myself a day off today! You get well too. It’s good to coddle ourselves sometimes.
We need it! Enjoy Cornwall, one of my favourite places in the world! 🧜♀️
When I started to see my therapist, I had no idea what to expect. He's a psychiatrist, so can prescribe medication. I wondered whether he would have some answers, but he had only more gentle questions. And gradually I felt better, because those questions led me back to me (with some medication). Now, when I see all these posts that you mention, the more, better, faster, Daft punk stuff, sometimes I feel triggered because I don't have enough followers, enough likes, enough comments, enough anything. Then I go back to me and write, or draw; make something, and it is healing. All of us have enough issues to deal with without going full on Daft Punk! Thank you for this, Kate. Cesca xx
Ah this is so great Cesca, and i’m so glad he directed you back to yourself, and that you do this for yourself too! My Friday Bloom Sessions are full of gentle questions to do precisely this. There is so much noise pulling us out and interrupting, but we have it all right there inside us. 🙏🏻🌱🌷
Nothing more to add other than - I love this post Kate. I've really enjoyed reading your words and the comments too. Infact I have been nodding my head in recognition and agreement with so many other people here, my neck hurts!
🤣 I love it when we are all in agreement! Thanks Georgie, sorry about your neck though! 😁
It’s so hard not to fall into the trap of wishing we were better. Thinner, curvier, taller, more intelligent, with fuller lips and earning a better wage etc etc. We are constantly bombarded with marketing messages telling us (inadvertently or otherwise) that we are not good enough and must improve - by using their product of course. It takes a strong sense of self and non judgement to overcome this barrage. I feel like as I age, I am managing in baby steps to become more accepting of myself (and others to a point, though I’ve never seen myself as judgey and always accepted others more easily than I accept myself). I try not to be drawn into the marketing- who can afford to buy all these products after all. And I think that’s their worst fear - that we accept ourselves and so don’t need all these (often terrible) products to improve ourselves. Oh this is a great subject and I’m fascinated by what motivates people to buy into the marketing and also to ignore it completely.
I’ve had to learn to accept the things I cannot control before and it’s a lesson that keeps on nipping at my heals as I forget and find a new concern to try and fix.
This is a very long way of saying I am totally with you on this subject Kate - thanks for putting this out there! 💚
Yes! We do have to have a strong sense of self, which for me too is easier as I get older. We just have to stay vigilant not to be swayed away from our perfectly good selves. Thanks for sharing! 🙏🏻☺️
Wow, timely reminder of things I'd almost forgotten from therapy. The validation bit hits me hardest. I've had the chance to take time out from work since autumn. I've done various things for myself and spent time with family and friends and really reflected. But the nagging voice keeps saying - is the upcoming new job different enough, should I be striving for more, have I used my education and talent enough, shouldn't I be earning more, or be higher level by now. And the people who seemed utterly confused I wasn't rushing to work again and made all kinds of judgements. And yet it's just one part of my life, a life which is actually rich with memories and full of future plans if I only remember to relax 😌 I'm right where I need to be. Thank you for a wonderful piece of writing
So lovely to read this, Sarah, you’re right where you need to be! ✨🙏🏻
I had a lightbulb moment a few years ago in a therapy session about my constant need to ‘try’. It was both illuminating and excruciating. It triggered a release and a deep breath followed and I sagged. I don’t need to keep trying so hard. The answer to whatever question I was asking wasn’t outside of me, out there or somewhere, the result of trying more and more but from trying less and stilling myself. Such a helpful post, thank you.
Ah Harriet! I think it is the excruciation part that keeps us pushing on/away - we want to avoid it so hide it away. 🫣
I'm so glad you learned to stop trying so hard and that you found all you needed right there inside! This is what I write about all the time, we do need reminding! Thanks for reading. It's great to have you here ✨🙏🏻
Hmm, you’ve kind of stopped me in my tracks. As someone whose brain is forever seeking something new I think I am very susceptible to the endless suggestions (persuasion) that I should try this, that or the other to feel and be a better version of myself. I understand and appreciate the value of self acceptance but boy it doesn’t come easy! x
It is normal to want to grow as humans, to seek novelty. But coming from being aligned and accepting, rather than from scarcity or feeling not enough, not there yet, etc. I think we create so many problems for ourselves by creating a feeling of not being enough.
Self acceptance does take work, (mindfulness is self acceptance), but growth from that place is far more meaningful. Eg, I want to improve my writing and love learning how and practicing, but I want it and love it and it’s true for me, and it brings me joy, not because of any pressure to improve.
Thanks for your comment Vanessa! ✨💛
Thanks, Kate. As for thoughts, my mind can't see them as "just thoughts", it sees them as "threats" (like a kid/scaredy cat). I'll try writing down the challenges for each of my negative thoughts. As for perfectionism, i'll try doing things imperfectly and let you know the result.
I wonder if it is similar to the idea of an inner critic, which I wrote about here, maybe that will help you reflect a little more: https://lettersfromtherapy.substack.com/p/inviting-your-inner-critic-to-tea
Yes, it is. Sadly. I can't read your post about "the inner critic" because it's for Paid subscribers.
I can relate to all of what you said. Because the truth is that as much as i want to improve myself and grow, i'm still in the chains of my past self. How can i get rid of self-criticism, comparing myself with others and burn all of what remains of my perfectionism? I haven't been able to find a solution for these problems after months of pondering.
The first step is awareness. If you stop yourself as soon as you realise you are caught in a thought pattern, and think of an alternative way of viewing youself. Remember, they are only thoughts. Write any challenges to your negative thoughts down to remind yourself. And for perfectionism, experiment with doing things imperfectly, and allowing the uncomfortable feeling of it, so you get more used to it and imperfection gradually becomes normal for you. 🙏🏻✨
I use the Internal Family System (IFS) parts model to help me understand my inner landscape and I just wanted to share some wisdom that came through to me, I hope it may be helpful to others.
Forgive me for trying to change you, it was because I did not understand you.
The more I learn, the more I realise that my desire to change comes from a lack of understanding. A lack of understanding why a behaviour or pattern exists and what it's purpose is. When I can understand why, which I can only do from a place of complete acceptance and not a desire to change it, the desire to change it falls away and compassion and acceptance takes it place. Then often the pattern or behaviour transforms all on its own, but there's no expectation of this.
This is lovely Laura, thank you for sharing! ✨
YES to this 🙌🏻
Thank you Emily! Yes indeed 🤗✨
Self improvement is not growth 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
I need to chew on this for awhile.
This changes everything.
Chew away!
as fellow therapist, brava, Kate! I agree with your post :)
Thank you Claire, its validating to hear that from a fellow therapist! Thanks for being here! 😊