Stop Trying to Improve Yourself!
Stop striving, start living
I’m Kate, a psychotherapist writing about personal growth, for you to flourish in a life you love! Upgrade here for the Bloom Sessions and to support my work! 🤍
Hi friends
The relentless pursuit of self-improvement seems to be a hallmark of modern culture, with media and society always urging us to become better versions of ourselves.
Lately, I see so many posts on Substack urgently telling me to grow, to improve, to reach my goals right now. They are so compelling, that I say yes. Yes I want this! And right now, yes! I push myself away.
And then I remember, I have you, reader, and two thousand others, and remind myself that I am doing an okay job, or you wouldn’t be here.
I often wish I was tidier, more organised, richer, more stylish, a better writer. Thankfully, I’ve managed to reach a point in my life where I just say ‘oh well.’
I have other priorities. Like my daughter’s and my well-being, eating healthily, writing, making inspiring jewellery, and going on exhilarating dog walks with my friends.
Maybe you want to improve your figure, but you are too busy saving the world, or spending time with those you love (which also saves the world), so I hope you’ll let it go.
Many don’t understand that the desire for self-improvement is undermining our uniqueness, natural qualities and abilities, even overlooking the essence of our being.
This is the opposite of aligning with our authentic self. We push ourselves away in our striving for better.
When we link our self worth perpetually to future achievements or states, we create the very inadequacy and chronic dissatisfaction we are trying to reduce, on a horrible self-inflicted loop! 🫣
This a one way ticket to anxiety, burnout, low self-worth, or clinging to a fixed identity we haven’t even yet achieved, and maybe never will.
It is also all rather ego-centric. What a colossal waste of our beautiful energy.
Self Improvement is Not Growth
I’m sorry to say, many therapists end up in a terrible cycle of self improvement that can end them up in overpowering narcissism, a fake guru-like persona, with decades of navel gazing and dismantling of what was once a perfectly good self. But that’s a whole other tragedy.
Self improvement is not the same as wanting to feel better, if you seek the wonder of self discovery, or you are suffering. We may have incongruent parts that may well hold us back from reasonable wishes like healthy relationships, behaviour or satisfying work. Our self cries out to be seen and held, not improved.
If you were to see a good therapist, they are not trying help you improve. They want you to express yourself, to speak your truth, to become your most authentic self. This creates healing, and growth from there is natural. Exponential, even.
You do improve, your mood, self worth, satisfaction, resilience, but not because you tried. It was because you stopped trying.
It’s my favourite part of being a therapist. My clients come in, tell me their issue, their fault, their symptom, their mistake, and I’ll truly hear it. I listen. I take it in. I sit with it. I chew it over. I try it on. They wait for me to do something, and I don’t. I accept it, and, after a while (sometimes a long while, involving lengthy discussion), they accept it too.
And guess what?
The problem disappears. We allow it, and it dissolves. This is happening in therapy rooms all over the world. Problems disappearing in puffs of smoke because we were willing to go in to it, listen to it, rather than improve or fix it.
The world urgently needs your authentic self, your voice, your opinions, so please don’t push it away.
Let’s bathe in the peace of feeling we are enough.
Let’s float together on this rock for a moment just like this, amid our own beautiful, messy lives.
How to Not Improve Yourself
Not self-improving is not about giving up or stagnating, but making peace with where we are now. It is better to understand and accept ourselves than to fix ourselves - which leads to change anyway. When we feel good enough by not trying to improve, we can embrace change without pushing. We could then pursue goals not through striving, but from curiosity and joy.
Let’s find contentment in the interconnected, impermanent universe that led us to being just as we are.
Let’s embrace our inevitable imperfections and our strengths. This is naturally compassionate, bolstering our self-esteem and emotional resilience.
Let’s recognise our inherent unique worth, without the need for constant validation through achievements.
Let’s stay present, so we are attuned to our thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Let’s challenge unhelpful rumination on so-called flaws or future aspirations, or negative self-perceptions.
Let’s remember that perfection is a total BS, unattainable ideal.
Let’s acknowledge that comparison could not be a bigger waste of our time and energy if it tried.
Instead of asking, "How can I improve?" consider asking, "What do I need right now?"
Let’s wish each other luck on our own unique paths, and all the twists and turns we navigate.
Which of these can you relate to most? I’d love to know! Do join in the comments!
With love,
Kate
Friends, if you liked this post, do click the heart to let me know your reading, it really helps. I hope to get back to recording again, a close family member is very unwell so i’ve been helping a lot, and still finding balance. ❤️
Coming soon: Map your relationships; exploring resistance, a tool for overwhelm, understanding and strengthening boundaries.
How do you feel about self improvement, what’s your experience? 🤔
This resonates deeply. As a coach and facilitator I'm pretty good at noticing and accepting on behalf of others, and even myself, when in their company. Practicing that same level of awareness and acceptance is often much harder when I'm on my own, just doing my life. Committing to showing up twice a week for the group sure helps me catch myself more quickly though.