The Gift Of Confidence
"With realisation of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world." – Dalai Lama
I’m Kate, a psychotherapist writing about mental health and self-discovery, for you to flourish in a life you love. When we cultivate self-compassion, resilience and understanding, we also create a more harmonious world. Upgrade here for transformative journaling prompts, empowering tools, workbooks, guided meditations, and if you would like to support my work. Thanks for being here!
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Hi friends
This post is about building confidence, with some exercises to help you do just that.
I know for many of us the holiday season can feel challenging, and elicit feelings of ‘not good enough’. At times, I have struggled with confidence, particularly after more difficult life events like losses, bereavement, rejection, ostracism, redundancy, or health challenges that left me spinning, and I felt like I no longer fitted anywhere.
During times I felt I’d failed, and couldn’t meet expectations, I felt the eyes of others rolling and judging from afar. Though these were mostly imagined, constructed to support the false stories that I projected onto others. Even if one or two did judge my changing abilities, so what? So what if someone I haven’t seen for ten years might think badly of me? But hindsight is a wonderful thing. One good thing about being 50 is that I care less what other people think! But I wish I’d made more effort with all this sooner.
When experiences distorted my life and left me vulnerable and bruised, and I had less support than I needed to rebuild myself - I do wish I’d been kinder to myself.
Just because others may not want you, we can still want ourselves. We can still have our own back. Other people’s expectations are their business.
Our body’s are changing. Our lives are nothing like what we hoped or planned. Maybe what we created was met with tumble weed, or we weren’t invited. Maybe you didn’t get the job you wanted, or got some difficult feedback. Maybe you’ve been dumped, or the cake you made for the bake sale didn’t rise again.
Maybe we are doing our best, and that’s enough. Maybe it’s worth seeking out and expressing our voices. Maybe the world needs what we have to say and do. Maybe we matter more than we think.
And it’s hard to feel confident if you’ve stopped trusting the ground you walk on, or the world, and life, has become unrecognisable.
"With realisation of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world." – Dalai Lama
Signs You Have Low Confidence
Doubting your abilities, worth, or potential.
Not speaking up.
A persistent sense of inadequacy, self-doubt, and a lack of trust in our own judgment.
Believing you’re not “good enough.”
Fear that we’ll fail in social settings, work, or personal goals.
Avoiding challenges like jobs or promotions.
Relying too much on others for validation and reassurance.
Struggling to set boundaries (I’ll cover this separately soon).
Feeling anxious about how others perceive us.
Thoughts holding you back from fully engaging with life.
A lack of belief in your capacity to succeed, or make meaningful contributions.
Does anything ring a bell?
The Causes of Low Confidence
Confidence is built, or undermined, though our lifetime, often starting in childhood, sometimes later.
We are shaped by the experiences and the messages we pick up from the people around us. It’s easier to become a musician in a musical family. It’s easier to feel loved and confident when we are told we are loveable, and cherished every day from birth. If we grow up with caregivers who are overly critical, distant, or inconsistent, we may start to believe there’s something wrong with us. As children we are naturally ego centric.
These beliefs can be reinforced if we experience trauma, bullying, or constant comparison to others. If we aren’t properly protected or helped through difficult experiences they can linger. Over time, this sense of “not being enough” solidifies and becomes part of how we see ourselves.
And if you’re like me and had too many challenges in a short space of time, it can knock us for six. It can even challenge our identity, relationships and life trajectory. We might feel too different and not part of the pack anymore.
If we didn’t experience what we needed as children or adults, we can still build our confidence.
Confidence is Built
Even if we didn’t get a good foundation from the start, we can built confidence, and it’s worth it. When we work on our confidence, we feel more capable and comfortable in our own skin. We may take useful risks, share ideas, and pursue opportunities that once felt intimidating. Confidence allows us to connect with others more genuinely, leading to emotionally satisfying relationships, as we experience the mutual benefit.
We can bring change to the world, and we must.
The more steps we take to build confidence, the more our confidence grows. If you’d told me ten years ago I’d be writing like this for 2000 people I would have spat my tea out.
Keep reading below to check for hidden fog, boulders and black holes that get in the way of you stepping into your most confident self.
What have you done to see a change in your confidence in the past? Share your tips! And what would you do if you felt more confident?
With love and gratitude,
Kate
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