Everything I Wish I Knew Before - A Letter To My Daughter Aged 18
IWD - Daisy Chain Flower Crown
‘Let go of who you think you are supposed to be, and embrace who you are.’ Brené Brown
Hello! I’m Kate, a psychotherapist sharing weekly Letters from Therapy. If you enjoy my writing, make sure you’re subscribed. Improve your life and relationships and join me to nurture your soul, accept yourself and find deeper meaning, by upgrading to a paid subscription. You’ll get enriching discovery tools, worksheets and journaling, the podcast, the Heal Your Past Course, the guided meditations and more posts. You’re invited!
Dear Friends
Today its International Women’s Day! I am joining in with
and friends IWD Daisy Chain Flower Crown where Substack writers are celebrating women.
A Letter To My Daughter on Her 18th Birthday, And All Daughters Everywhere
My daughter turned 18 this week! My home is a-whirl with a sense of new beginnings, possibility and change. A new dress to be ironed, cake ingredients piled up for her party tomorrow (including a bottle of Baileys for Mary Berry’s giant grown up chocolate cake!) and wrapping paper strewn around. All laced with love.
My heart aches for the ending of her childhood. Mistakes and memories swirl in my mind, knocking against my hopes and dreams for her. All those things she didn’t do or have growing up, because I am her mother. My heart sings for all the unexpected things I gave her instead, and what she created for herself. She is wiser than I was, cooler and braver. And she was always safe and loved. She has her own dreams now, and I want to empower her, and women everywhere, to be herself.
I wrote this letter to my 18 year old daughter, with everything I wish I had known before. It is also a letter to my 18 year old self who lies within me.
It is a letter for all our 18 year old selves, and to all our daughters.
Dear Daughter
I am so proud of you!
You have so much ahead, a beautiful life you can create as you want. You can choose your path, and will change as you go. Life can be painful, as well as fun and beautiful. Remember that the sky is always blue, and the sun is always shining!
Life will throw curveballs and you will catch them, as you already do! Don’t worry if you drop some balls: they weren’t meant for you. Perfect people are annoying! You will have periods of growth and change, and fallow periods where you do very little, and nothing seems that exciting. Embrace it all!
Look after yourself. Nourish your body, mind and soul: a little effort goes a long way. We need maintenance like a car, or a garden, but without obsessing about it! This will make you strong so you can follow your dreams and give you reserves when you need to bounce back. Keep in mind where you want to be one day and follow that path. Take care over the rocks, and don’t forget to look at the view!
Have fun and be happy! When it rains look for rainbows, when it’s dark, look for stars.
You’ll have different friends for different phases or parts of your life. Some deep and meaningful, some fun and frivolous. Let go of people who aren’t meant for you, or when you out grow each other. We can’t all get on and that’s fine! Don’t worry what others think of you. People think about you far less often than you imagine. Notice how people make you feel. Keep them close if you feel good, if not, maybe they aren’t right for you.
If you feel you don’t fit in, either it’s because you haven’t found the right people, or because it’s only a feeling you have that may not be true, which you can challenge.
Don’t let anyone undermine you, including me! Trust your instincts and your heart. You may have to bend a little to have relationships, friends, and in your study and work life. Just don’t bend so much that you loose yourself!
You are funny and kind, empathetic and intelligent. You are beautiful and thoughtful. People love having you around, even if they don’t say it. You are loved! Especially by me.
Don’t judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree! Einstein.
If you feel down, you don’t need to be alone. Reach out to those who love you, like me! Ask for help. It is true that a problem shared is a problem halved. When life, or others are unkind to you, give yourself time and space to heal. No-one escapes pain in life. Process it so you can move on to what’s next. Be kind to yourself.
When you go in to a garden do you see the flowers or the weeds?
Look for joy every day. Look harder for it on bad days. Think of six things you’re grateful for every day. Always have something to look forward to. Seeing friends, an outing, a treat when you get home.
I may have ‘over parented' you, sorry! Because I worried about my difficulties and losses impacting you I probably fussed to much (you can thank my psychotherapy training for that!). This might make you a little self conscious so…
Relax! You are good enough and clever enough and kind enough. You work hard enough, you do enough, are beautiful and you have fun enough. Go easy on yourself. Give yourself a break. You are doing so well. See how far you have already come. You really are enough.
The universe wanted you in it, and so did I. That’s why you are here! I’m so lucky to have you as my daughter. I am so proud of you. You are a phoenix from the ashes. A lotus flower in the mud. A rainbow after a storm. No pressure though! You’ll be the storm and the mud and the ashes sometimes. You are sweet and unique, fierce and strong. Enjoy your life! I am here for you. I love you!
Love Mum xx
I invite you to write a letter or note to your 18 year old self, or to your daughter, niece or a young friend. What do you wish you knew then? What would you pass on? Let us know in the comments!
Read what others wrote for the International Women’s Day Daisy Chain Flower Crown:
and many more.Last week,
asked us What would you tell your younger self? Which also inspired this post. Find more lovely messages from her subscribers to younger selves here.And thank you for recommending Maya Angelou’s Letter to my Daughter and the BBC’s Dear Daughter Series
and . They are now on my reading/listening list!Please press the heart, and share if you know any daughters who might like to read it!
Much love on this special day,
Kate
Hello! I’m Kate, a therapist sharing weekly Letters from Therapy. If you enjoy my writing, make sure you’re subscribed! If you wish for deeper self awareness, acceptance and meaning in your life, upgrading to paid gives access to enriching discovery tools. Your support also makes these posts possible, thank you!
I invite you to write a letter or note to your 18 year old self, or to your daughter, niece or a young friend or stranger. What do you wish you knew then? What would you pass on? Let us know in the comments!
I adore this Kate.
I have been quietly cataloguing a series of letters to my son. He lives on the other side of the country now, his leaving was laced with so many layers and affected me more than I expected (hint: it took me over 12 months to adjust to the concept of him having gone). I want him to know the reasons behind my sadness and to also let him know all the wonderful things I admire about him - his fierceness, his loyalty, his commitment to rigorous training, his ability to do really physically challenging things e.v.e.r.y s.i.n.g.l.e d.a.y in his job, his strength of mind and his fascination with philosophy, the way he still connects with his school friends back here in SA.
Your piece has reminded me of the beauty and the gift that parenting is. The way that you have celebrated your newly minted 18yo daughter is truly special. Thank you for sharing this with us here.