Finding Yourself: Mary's Story
And catching up on August Posts
I’m Kate, a psychotherapist writing about mental health, for you to explore and flourish in a life you love. Upgrade here for tools, resources, meditations and if you’d like to support my work. Thanks for being here!
Hi friends,
If like me you are all over the place this August, you may have missed some recent posts so check them out below. Then read ‘Mary’s story’, about my client who illustrates how we can get fixed on seeing things all wrong, which can be tragic if we don’t see the truth. It is also a window into the therapeutic process. I changed her details as all my work is confidential but you’ll understand the story.
While I enjoy this time of year, with Taylor Swifts’ sweet ‘August’ song drifting around my head, I am also looking toward to the horizon of September. I’ll share some tips and a worksheet next time on on getting your sh*t together - it feels like time!
Recent posts you may have missed:
Finding Yourself - A Shift In Perspective. Mary’s Story
Mary, a young woman, came to see me with low mood and poor self worth. She drank a little too much and had just finished with an uninspiring, inattentive boyfriend and was feeling low. She worked in an unsatisfying job, filing in an office and manning a quiet reception an hour and a half journey from home. She had a degree and lived with her father who wasn’t home much.
I could see after our first few sessions that she was intelligent, articulate, and kind. She loved children, particularly her niece and nephew and was bright and funny. Her character did not match her unfulfilling life and I couldn’t understand her boyfriend choice. In an early session, she talked about her boring reception job.
‘It isn’t as if I can be a teacher or anything,’ she said, looking out of the window. I asked her to expand - I must have missed something, a barrier or issue, perhaps an invisible disability.
‘Well, me, I mean, I can’t be a teacher,’ she said, wide eyed and watching me. I waited for her to explain. She seemed perfect for teaching but I bracketed that thought and said nothing. We looked at each other in equal curiosity, and slowed into the moment. It was as if the cogs of her mind were turning as she noticed my confusion, and I hers.
‘I couldn’t be a teacher,’ she mumbled. I sat with her and after a while, as I realised we had stumbled onto something important and gently asked:
‘Why not?’
She stared at me.
My mind full of all the hard evidence, my voice softened and I followed my intuition.
‘I think you would make a great teacher.’ She looked down as tears filled her eyes. I leant forwards and stayed with her, tears pricking my eyes too. I gently told her what I saw in her, her intelligence, commitment, reliability, kindness and she was good with kids. All the things that she couldn’t see.
Her tears spilled out as she realised what had always been missing. No-one had told her this, or anything else about her. She didn’t know who she was. As a child and young adult, her negligent, alcohol dependant mother and distracted father had never provided sufficient care and attention. They had not given her the support and encouragement we all need growing up and through our lifetimes.
Emotionally neglected, she simply hadn’t had the feedback she had required to develop accurate self-esteem and a truthful self image. A child’s natural egocentricity can conclude that if we aren’t well loved, then we must be unlovable. If we are uncared for, we are not worthy of care. If we are not supported to try things that suit us, we may believe they are not for us.
The tragedy is that we can carry these beliefs with us all through our lives.
“Not to have been loved just as one truly was… cannot heal without the work of mourning,” Alice Miller
Click here for Posts on Personal Growth and Self Awareness Tools
A few months later, Mary told me she had quit her job and smiled as she told me she had enrolled in a teacher training course.
Sometimes our perspective changes incrementally over time. Sometimes we experience a fast shift, like in this moment with Mary. But with a foundation of trust first, and lots of sessions to strengthen and challenge the old beliefs that kept popping up. I gave Mary a space and relationship so she could test out all her thoughts and feelings with me. To experience the natural support and mirroring she had missed out on, so she could come to know who she was looking through my eyes and her own, and step into herself.
It’s never too late. Therapy works. Developing self awareness and challenging beliefs works. Finding good people who support and love you works. They are out there. Our minds really can reorganise and alter how it sees things we couldn’t before.
If this is something you want to make a start on, you can do this today. Visit my posts to help you look under the bonnet in the Personal Growth Tools Section.
Thanks for reading, friends. Please click the heart if you enjoyed this, and do feel free to share if you think someone else might want to read. This also helps me reach more potential paid subscribers so I can keep writing.
Have you ever shifted your view of yourself or potential for the better? What old beliefs have you let go of? What self-beliefs do you have that you could challenge today?
With love
Kate
Have you ever shifted your view of yourself or potential for the better? What old beliefs have you let go of? What self-beliefs do you have that you could challenge today?
I never imagined that I would be good enough to write in public. That anyone would want to read my words. And here I am doing it. I do still feel anxiety when I post, and your support in all ways here really spurs me on. What about you? What self beliefs have you challenged? Come and read Mary's story and join in the conversation.