You Don't Have To Be So Hard On Yourself: A 5 Minute Loving Kindness Practice
To change how you move through the world
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Hello friends,
And a big welcome to new subscribers, it is so lovely to have you here.
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Having new readers join us reminded me of this beautiful meditation practice I often turn to, which I have just practiced for all of you! It originates in Buddhism, but it's a wonderful practice for everyone.
I know you’ll love it, so this is a new version of a post I shared two years ago.
What is Loving-Kindness?
‘Metta’ or ‘loving-kindness’ is the development of unconditional love for all beings, starting with you.
I started practicing loving-kindness around 15 years ago, when my ex-husband and I broke up. I was a bit of a wreck, so I went on my first silent meditation retreat (at Gaia House in Devon, England). Learning this practice helped me piece myself back together, and I have practiced it ever since, especially on hard days, or when my inner critic is loud.
Loving-kindness meditation, or Metta, originated in ancient India and was taught by the Buddha to monks as a protective, calming practice to overcome fear and improve concentration when meditating in forests. But you do not have to be Buddhist to practice, it is beautiful and for everyone.
It helps me settle when I feel anger burning inside, to help me forgive, to soothe myself when I’m scared, to break me away from difficult memories, or if I feel lost under the cloak shame. I also use it when I feel grateful, and although I go through phases, make it a daily practice and it makes such a big change for me.
So, if you ever feel like this, and you like the idea of a more loving world (of course you do, you are here!), and if you want to bathe in love for the benefit of all, this one is for you.
Loving-kindness practice gives you a deeper appreciation of yourself, others, and the world around you.
Loving-kindness brings me back to myself.
It’s also a lovely option if you find the attention of mindfulness difficult.
If you recoil at the thought, read on, and have a go. Resistance is often full of self-awareness gold.
How to Practice Loving-Kindness
If you don’t have much time, read it through and practice later, or sprinkle it through your day. Try 5 minutes, or 20+ minutes if you want a more substantial experience .
To begin, settle into a comfortable position in a quiet spot. Take a few long breaths, to bring your body into a state of homeostasis. Allow the breath to bring peace and calm to your body and mind as you inhale. Exhale all tension.
You may wish to place your hand against your heart. Say these words inwardly, or out loud if it’s suitable. Leave a few breaths between each phrase, letting their meaning sink as you say the words:
Loving-Kindness for You
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I be loved
May I be peaceful and at ease
If you encounter any difficult feelings, allow them, and trust that you can hold them.
Loving-Kindness for Others
Next, widen your loving-kindness to someone you love. Say the same words inwardly, holding your loved one in mind.
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be loved
May you be peaceful and at ease
Imagine the loving-kindness flooding through you and out as you meditate.
Now think of a neutral person, perhaps a local shopkeeper, your postman, or someone you pass on your commute. Take another few minutes to practice Metta for them:
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be loved
May you be peaceful and at ease
Loving-Kindness for a Wrong-doer
This next one is optional and can be challenging though powerfully healing if it feels appropriate. Practice loving-kindness for someone who has harmed or wronged you. Please start with a minor transgression, someone who annoyed you or you don’t really like. I will practice for my neighbour who is always complaining and critical (perhaps he should subscribe to Letters from Therapy!) With more practice you can work up to more serious transgressors if you’re confident about it.
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be loved
May you be peaceful and at ease
Loving-Kindness for All Beings
Now practice loving-kindness for all beings. Imagine it flowing from your heart, out into the air and across the entire world.
May all beings be happy
May all beings be healthy
May all beings be loved
May all beings be peaceful and at ease
Loving-kindness is like meeting all experience with a kiss.
You can speak it to your pain, too.
You can tweak the script, this is close to the traditional script though I simplified it into my language.
Others I use are: May I/you be free, May I/you be safe.
You can choose to go through each in turn, or focus on one of the four phrases each day/week/month, or one of the four recipients - though always start with yourself. You can practice for a few minutes or a whole hour every day, it’s up to you.
I was delighted to read that author Susan Cain also mentions practicing loving-kindness with meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg in her beautiful book Bittersweet.
Challenging Emotions
Sometimes during loving-kindness meditation opposite feelings can arise, like anger or sadness. The practice can reveal a lack or a loss, either from the past or in the present: something you weren’t aware of before.
Allow yourself to experience the feelings so you can understand them, and tolerate them better in future. This is how we integrate them, and move on.
Challenging emotions alert us to unaddressed pain, and give us a chance process, take action or seek help.
Meet all your experience with an attitude of loving-kindness.
If you liked it, find time to practice loving-kindness in your routine each day. Practiced regularly, loving-kindness will become part of your being.
Imagine if everyone reading this practiced together right now, sending waves of unconditional love across the world?!
And I am practicing loving-kindness for you today, reader! Can you feel it?
With love,
Kate
P.S. To spread loving-kindness around the world, please share this post, or press the heart so more people discover it!
Look out for my posts on Sundays. Coming soon: Relationship Skills from Couples Therapy; How to Soothe Stress; A Letter to My Daughter.
Dana is the Pali word for generosity. It is an offering from the heart to someone for their work. The act of generosity fills the giver with a sense of abundance and letting go, as they know their generous offering benefits the receiver, and becomes part of their being.
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Have you tried practising loving kindness? It's such an instant centering practice for me. Let me know how you get on!
This is exactly what I needed to read today. I've been practicing for several month and can already feel my heart settling and my understanding of others deepening. Your simplified script is lovely—I especially like the phrase 'May I be peaceful and at ease.' Thank you for spreading these waves of love!