8 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart 💔
🌱🌷 "However long the night, the dawn will break." African proverb.
Come home to yourself and feel less alone, with enriching tools and insights from therapy. 🤍
Hi friends,
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Have you ever had your heart broken?
Because it was Valentine's Day yesterday, which I spent happily alone, by the way, I thought it was a good time to give space to the brokenhearted among us! It is a common reason for people to show up in therapy, and it got me reflecting on my own experiences.
Like, when I was seventeen, I spent nine glorious months with my first love, laughing together while indie music (REM, the Pixies, the Smashing Pumpkins) played, holding hands, wearing flowers in my hair (my attempt to look like a muse), and smoking nutmeg as we were too young for weed. I lost my virginity to him in a rather chaotic, damp, but very much wanted time in the woods after i’d snuck out at midnight. A few months later when I thought he was the one, Josh Bentley snogged my ‘friend’ Laura Partridge, who liked to snog everyone’s partners, male and female. I never saw him again because I was so devastated I really thought he was the one.Even more annoying, he later became a billionaire according to my mum, who keeps her ear close to the grapevine, and one of the few ‘ethical’ ones with a business that is actually helpful in the world. Pah!
Anyway, my heart was patched up again by age nineteen, when Peter Oliver, tall, dark and handsome with dazzling green eyes captured my soul. Only months later, he was practically stalking me, change university to be with me without telling me, and made me look like the horrible one when I found it hard aged 18 to look after him. I had no idea how to deal with his unhealthy attachment, and felt obliged to stay with him for several more months, even though I had tried to split up with him just before he changed university.
Substack isn’t yet big enough to hold the pain of my marriage ending after the heartbreak of loosing my two stillborn babies, all those years ago.
I tell you this because I know you haven’t escaped this heartache either, unless you’re very lucky. 💔
Maybe you already know that can we can be proactive to heal our hearts, in a way that doesn’t involve two bottles of wine and a tub of ice cream. I wish I’d know more about how to help myself sooner. I didn’t have the self-awareness until much later that it wasn’t all my fault, not even remotely.
Tears still prick in the back of my eyes as I remind myself of this.
We know from Louis Capaldi’s laments that heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences a person can endure. And it’s not just following romantic relationships, but also broken friendships, or unrequited love. The emotional pain can feel overwhelming.
Although we can’t just flick a switch back; when we fall in love, our brains alter to include the other within it, which is why it’s so painful as our psyche reorganises around the vast hole that is left.
This is grief.
We experience a deep loss, even though no one died. This is particularly true after longer relationships, like after my divorce 15 years ago after 12 years together, but it can happen too if we fall deeply in love, even for a short time. If we have some developmental wounds left over from childhood it can feel even harder. It is a bereavement that can often last a long time.
We can process heartbreak with tenderness and heal in a healthy, empowering way. Slowly, but it does come.
Maybe you or a loved one have a broken heart right now, or perhaps a heartbreak from long ago is unresolved. I wish you well, and if you want to heal a broken heart, here are eight things to consider.
“To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.” ~ William Makepeace Thackeray (Do you agree?)
Eight Ways To Heal a Broken Heart
Of course, I did none of these things after all my heartbreaks and I bore the consequences. I lost confidence and feared relationships, I blamed myself and hid for a long time. But we can heal retrospectively, and learn for next time.
We have to feel things, even when painful, to be able to move through them.
Acknowledge and validate your emotions about the heartbreak.
Suppressing emotions prolongs suffering. We must fully experience our grief, sadness, anger, or whatever it is. Talk to a friend, journal, or work with a therapist to help process these emotions. Acceptance is the first step. If you feel bereft, read through my grief series. Sometimes relationships trigger childhood pain and patterns. Unravelling current pain from past can bring the solace of understanding.
Understand the brain’s role in heartbreak.
Heartbreak activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. Studies indicate that withdrawal from love resembles withdrawal from addiction. Ouch! As you move through the pain, practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism. You are perfectly normal and it takes time. it feels like grief.
Challenge any unhelpful thoughts.
The way we think about a breakup impacts how we feel and recover. If you find yourself thinking, “I’ll never find love again” or “I wasn’t good enough,” challenge these thoughts, because they aren’t true! Mostly it’s just a case of a bad match, or a relationship has run its natural course, or you both needed different ‘food’ from each other. This can all feel like rejection or failure but it isn’t. Reframing what happened objectively aligns your perception with the truth and helps you move on. It helps to write thoughts down, then write an alternative thought possibility. This isn't just for heartbreak but everything. I’ll share some tips on challenging negative thoughts soon.
Set healthy boundaries after the relationship ends.
Maintaining contact with an ex, stalking their social media, or reminiscing excessively, thinking “what if…” can make it harder to move on. If possible, try a period of no contact to allow emotional detachment to progress.
Reconnect with your identity when you are single again.
Many people feel lost after a breakup, especially if they invested much of their identity in the relationship. Ask yourself, who was I before this relationship? What passions, goals, and dreams did I set aside? By finding something of your own again, you’ll experience true self growth and independence.
Prioritise self-care to establish life alone again.
Heartbreak can be physically and emotionally draining. It sounds so obvious but prioritising exercise, proper sleep, and balanced nutrition supports emotional regulation. Light a candle to mark your transition to the new you. Meditation and grounding exercises can help you stay present and reduce emotional distress. Try my simple tools and guided meditations.
Find meaning in your experience of break up.
Suffering can lead to personal growth if we process it well. Heartbreak brings opportunities for self-discovery, learning, and transformation. What did the relationship teach you about your needs, values, and wishes for future relationships?
Seek support for your broken heart.
Most people have experienced heart break at some level. But sometimes it takes over. Talk to friends you trust, or therapy provides a safe space to process emotions and gain new perspectives if you’re finding it hard to move through. Support groups, like for those experiencing divorce, can remind you that you are not alone. Connection with others can bring so much healing. And of course, Substack is full of writers writing about specialist topics like this.
Have you ever had your heart broken? How did you heal? Comment below to join the conversation!
With love and gratitude,
Kate
Next Sunday I’ll share a post with exercises I used as a couples therapist to improve relationships. I’ve a piece coming soon on negative thoughts, understanding emotions, Lovingkindness and many more.
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Have you ever had your heart broken? How did you heal? ❤️
I'm so sorry to hear you lost two babies Kate💔. I've not known a life without bereavement, so it has become interwoven in the fabric of my life. Over time I've stumbled and sensed my way into gradual healing. But grief takes many shapes and forms as you say. Much of what you write makes me pause and reflect, thank you.